Chapter 10

She met AJ in the parking lot outside Dr. Murphy's office.

Hey!” she said, walking up to him. “How was your day?” she asked.

AJ shrugged. “Nothing to speak of, really.”

Are you ok?” she asked.

Yeah, I'm fine.”

He wasn't fine. They both knew it. Emily was hurt that he couldn't even be bothered to ask her how her first day at work had gone. AJ could sense her happiness and he wasn't quite sure what to make of it so instead, he opted just to not ask her about it.

They didn't talk much in the waiting room and they were both relieved when Dr. Murphy took them back to her office because it meant they no longer had to struggle to make conversation.

So, how was your weekend?” Dr. Murphy asked.

It was good.” AJ said.

Emily nodded in agreement.

Great! Emily, why don't you tell me about it.”

Emily filled her in on their activities together that weekend. Dr. Murphy seemed impressed.

So you did all that together and didn't fight the entire weekend?”

AJ and Emily nodded.

And what about intimacy?” she asked, looking at AJ.

Uh...yeah, we had some of that.” he answered.

Emily blushed and Dr. Murphy chuckled. “That's great you two. Emily, how do you feel about things after this weekend?”

Emily took a deep breath. “Well, honestly, this weekend was....strange. It was nice, but it was strange.”

How so?”

It's like he has this switch inside of him that he seems to be able to flip at will. We were in here on Friday and he seemed so full of anger and then we get home and it's like, boom! He's back to nice, sweet, gentle AJ. Then Sunday night gets here and the switch is back on anger again and I know what was bothering him but he didn't mention it and we weren't supposed to talk about anything so I didn't say anything.....”

And what do you think the switch is on right now?”

Definitely still angry.” she answered, looking anywhere but at AJ.

Why do you think that is?”

I think all weekend he was doing a great job at not thinking about the things that were bothering him. Sunday night he couldn't do it anymore because he knew that today I'd be starting my new job. Which, by the way, he has yet to ask me about today.” she added with a touch of hostility.

AJ, what do you think about that?”

AJ really wondered how Emily was always so right when it came to knowing what was running through his head.

I suppose that's pretty accurate.”

What's making you angry?”

The same things that were making me angry about this last week!” he snapped.

Emily closed her eyes and wished she were somewhere far, far away.

Dr. Murphy realized that at this point, neither one of them was going to budge and she wasn't going to accomplish anything like this.

I'm going to have you each do an exercise. I'm going to give you each a sheet of paper. On that paper I want you to write as many reasons as you can think of why you fell in love each other. It can be big things or little things. Emily, I'm going to have you go first while AJ and I talk. Then we'll switch places.” Dr. Murphy said, leading Emily across the hall to a small conference room.

Emily was glad to have something to think about besides all the problems they had to deal with and went about her task in a methodical way.


Why I Love AJ.

  1. He loved me when I thought no one did.

  2. He got me to open up

  3. He stood by me through a lot

  4. He always supported me no matter what I did.


Number four stung as she read what she had just written. It was one of the reasons she had fallen for him. He was a famous singer and she was a nanny of all things but that had never mattered to him. She thought about taking it off her list because she didn't feel that he supported her anymore but decided that since it had been one of the reasons she'd fallen in love with him that she should leave it. She continued her list for the next fifteen minutes until Dr. Murphy came in to talk to her. Emily was dying inside to know what she and AJ had discussed.


While Emily was out of the room, Dr. Murphy asked him some very pointed questions.

What's really going on with you, AJ?”

What do you mean?”

Where is all this anger coming from? Are you really going to tell me that you're this angry because Emily is working with her ex-boyfriend?”

AJ sighed. “No.”

Then where is it coming from?”

AJ thought for a moment as he searched for a way to put what he was feeling into words. Dr. Murphy was patient while he thought.

It's like....I'm a pretty successful guy, you know? Or at least I used to be. I worked hard to get where I am now. But the thing is, when it matters the most to me to be successful, I'm a failure.”

Dr. Murphy nodded. “Why does it matter more now?”

Because the last thing I want to be when I'm around Emily is a failure. I love her so much but all I feel like is a failure in her eyes.”

Has she done something to make you feel that way?”

Not in so many words, but why would a beautiful and intelligent person like herself want to be with someone like me?”

Do you really think she loves you for your success?”

Well, not exactly but success is part of who I am, isn't it?”

Perhaps, but consider that there are also many ways to have success. You can have a successful marriage, you can have a successful social life, you can be a successful husband and father. There's more to succeeding in life than what you do, AJ.”

AJ nodded.

Are you still having temptations to drink?”

AJ looked down. “Every day.” he admitted.

Do you think that might be what's adding to the way you feel?”

I guess.”

Dr. Murphy handed him his piece of paper and a pen. “I want you to work on your list for me ok? Emily and I will be back in about ten minutes.”

AJ sighed and began writing. He wasn't sure one piece of paper was going to be enough.


Why I love Emily.


  1. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.

  2. She loves with all her heart.

  3. She's very smart.

  4. She is a kind person.

  5. She sees right through my bullshit.

  6. She always seems to know what I'm thinking.

  7. She's faithful.


AJ got all the way to number 7 before he started to question his list. Why did he have such a hard time trusting her to go work with this doctor guy? She'd never given him a single reason not to. Part of him knew that it wasn't just her, he didn't trust the guy. He knew how wonderful Emily was and he had a hard time believing that any man who had ever loved Emily could ever really stop loving her. Maybe the person he really didn't trust was the doctor guy. What if he tried to win her over?


Dr. Murphy brought Emily back in to explain the rest of their assignment.

I want you two to take some time tonight to finish up your lists. At some point tomorrow, you are to give each other your lists and go read them privately. We'll talk more about them at your appointment on Thursday.”

Emily and AJ walked silently out to their cars.

See you at home?” she asked.

Yeah, maybe later. I'm going to go out for awhile.”

Oh....ok. Don't forget about your list!”

Emily, do you really need a list to know why I love you?”

Emily sighed. “AJ, this is important to me. Could you please try and take it seriously?”

I am! I'm here, aren't I? You'll have your list tomorrow, don't worry!” he snapped.

Emily watched as he got into his car and drove off. She climbed into her own car and sat for a minute before driving home to her empty house.


Chapter 11

AJ went out that night because Dr. Murphy had struck a few nerves with him and he just wanted some time to think. Was he being too hard on Emily? Was he the cause of all their problems? Him and his damn insecurities?

Lord how he wanted a drink! He didn’t want a hit of coke. Yes, he had done the drug at one time but he never used it to heal his wounds, he only used it because he thought it made him a better performer, brought him to life when he felt so lifeless he didn’t know how he could possibly manage to get up on stage. No, what he really wanted was a large bottle of whiskey. His life had turned to shit. No album deal, no upcoming tour, no Backstreet stuff going on for awhile, if ever again. It seemed like all the other guys were moving forward. Where was he supposed to? Brian’s album did rather well and he had become quite involved in the whole Christian music scene. Howie was a blissful newlywed who AJ joked was becoming the next Trump as far as owning properties and hotels. Kevin and Kristin had a beautiful baby boy and he couldn’t be prouder. Nick…well Nick wasn’t really doing much either but it never seemed to bother Nick.

Hell, even Emily had managed to move forward with her life. Unfortunately for him, she’d moved forward to stand right next to her perfect ex-boyfriend, the doctor guy. The last thing he wanted was to lose Emily and he knew if he didn’t cut the crap he would eventually push her away. He sighed as he tossed his cigarette out the window and picked up his cell phone to call his sponsor. He had come to the conclusion that he’d have to work all these feelings out on his own. As jealous and hurt as he felt about Emily’s new job he knew he had to let up about it or risk pushing her even further away. He’d have to say what she wanted him to say and hope that someday he himself could accept it and feel happy again.


Emily picked up Chinese on her way home and tried to make herself eat. She picked at her General Tso’s chicken as much as she could and picked up her list, forcing herself to finish it. She filled the sheet by the time she was finished with it. She only hoped that AJ knew all the reasons she loved him. She knew there was a lot eating at him, a lot more than just the album and her working with Randy. She just wished he’d let her in and stop treating her like this thing he had to impress all the time. Although she was beginning to suspect it had little to do with her and a lot to do with his own hang-ups.

Around midnight she decided she might as well go to bed. AJ still wasn’t home and she had no clue when he would be but she still had to get up at 6 so she could be at work by 7. As she lie in bed, she thought more about AJ’s problem with her working with Randy. Maybe he had a problem with her working at all but not wanting to admit that he simply used Randy as an excuse. Emily didn’t think that story was likely; he’d always been supportive of her working before. Why was he so bothered by Randy? Did he really think she would decide to leave him for Randy?

Emily couldn’t deny the fact that lately she wondered what her life would be like now if she had picked Randy over AJ. It wasn’t that she wished she had, rather it was just that she was that miserable right now always fighting with AJ. Obviously Randy wouldn’t have a problem with where she was working, that was for sure. She knew he would have always taken care of her and been there for her. But what she would be missing was the passion that she and AJ had together. That is, when things were good. Actually, maybe their passion was what was making things so difficult too.

AJ came home around two in the morning. He knew she’d already be in bed by then. He picked at her leftover Chinese food before sitting down on the couch to work on his list as he’d promised her he would. After he finished his list he reminded himself of his vow to stop burdening Emily with his own emotional shortcomings and be nothing but the perfect husband to her.

When Emily came downstairs early the next morning she saw AJ asleep on the couch, his list next to him on the floor. She smiled as she covered him with a blanket and tried to make as little noise as possible as she got ready to leave.

She beat Leslie to work that morning and since she was feeling pretty groggy from staying up so late she decided to pour herself a cup of coffee, yawning as she did so.

“Late night?” Randy asked as he walked into the lounge.

Emily jumped, nearly spilling the coffee.

“Something like that.”

Randy eyed her suspiciously, suspecting something was bothering her but, keeping his vow to keep their relationship strictly professional, he didn’t say anything. He poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed a muffin from the table.

“Well, I’ll see you in a few minutes!” he said, walking back towards his office.

“Good morning!” Leslie said walking in. “Sorry I’m late! Traffic was bad.”

“Oh, no problem, it gave me a minute to have my morning coffee!” Emily said.

“Well today you won’t actually be working with me.” Leslie said

“No?”

“Nope. You get to spend the day with Margie learning the inner-workings of the office. It’s important to learn about how the appointments are scheduled and how the paperwork needs to be done and there’s no one better to teach that than Margie herself!”

Emily laughed. “I’m sure it will be very interesting!”

“At the very least you’ll be up on all the office gossip before I will!” Leslie joked.

Emily finished her coffee and went to the reception area to find Margie.

“Hey Emily! Are you ready to work with the one who really runs this place?” Margie winked at her.

“I sure am!”

Emily spent her day learning the appointment system on the computer, taking phone calls and pulling and filing charts for the patients. She knew Margie did a lot but she never before realized just how much! During downtime they chatted and Margie did in fact update her on any new gossip. At the end of the day after Emily had left, Margie tracked down Randy in his office.

“Hi Margie!” he said as she knocked on the door. “Come on in.”

“Hi Dr. Brown. I just came to let you know our newest and best student did wonderfully yet again today. If I don’t watch my back she just might take over my job!”

Randy laughed. “Don’t worry Margie, you’re irreplaceable.”

Margie cleared her throat. “There is one other thing.”

“What’s that?” he asked, stopping what he was doing.

“It’s just….when we were talking, every time I asked her about her husband or her marriage or anything like that, she completely dodged the question with this hurt look on her face. Is everything ok?”

“Maybe she just doesn’t want her life to become the next topic of the gossip newsletter.” Randy said.

Margie smiled. “It isn’t that. I’m just concerned is all. I thought maybe you could talk to her, see if everything’s ok?”

Randy sighed. He had in fact noticed the same thing himself, but a promise was a promise. “Our relationship is strictly professional Margie. If something is interfering with her work then I can ask her about it but until then, her personal life is off limits.”

Margie shrugged. “Ok. It was worth a shot though.”


When Emily got home from work it was to a clean house and AJ in the kitchen making dinner.

“What are you making?” she asked, surprised at his effort.

“My famous four-alarm chili!” he said. “It’s almost ready.”

“It smells great! I’ll go change my clothes real quick and then we can eat.” She said, turning to go upstairs.

“Hey, wait a sec!” he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her over to him.

“What?”

“I just wanted to give you a kiss hello!” he said as he embraced her and planted a soft and gentle kiss on her lips.

Emily sighed and rested her cheek on his chest. If AJ was feeling loving she certainly wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to be in his arms seeing as how it seemed to happen so rarely lately.

“You look cute in those white pants.” He said.

Emily laughed. “Thanks.”

“Ok go get dressed, I’ll set the table.” He said, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

Emily came back downstairs wearing jeans and a tank top. “It’s hot outside today!” she said.

“Well, it is the middle of summer.” AJ remarked, winking at her.

“You’re funny. Maybe you should give up on singing and become a comedian.”

“You know the thought did occur to me.”

“Thank you for making dinner and cleaning the house.” She said as she took a bite of the hot chili.

“You’re welcome. So....tell me how your day was! What’s the job like?”

Emily smiled, touched that he was trying so hard to connect with her. “Actually it’s a bit easier than I thought. Yesterday I spent the day working with Leslie, one of the nurses. She showed me the ropes. Basically, bring in the patients, take vitals, set up for the exam, bring in another patient and set them up, perform any nursing orders like shots or blood tests on the first patient, clean the exam room, bring in another patient….it’s a big cycle really. Then today I spent the day with Margie, the receptionist, learning all that goes on as far as office management goes.”

“Sounds like you like it so far!” he said, sounding genuinely happy.

Yeah, I do! So how about you? What did you do today?”

Oh, not a whole lot really. Made some phone calls, took the dogs to the park, went grocery shopping. Basic housewife stuff.” he joked.

While he was joking, Emily knew that deep down inside he was bored and terrified that nothing better awaited him in his career.

Yeah well, the funny thing is you'd never have to work a day in your life and you'd still be the big breadwinner of the family!” she said, reminding him that compared to most people in the country, he was already more wealthy and successful than most people are when they retire at 65.

Emily insisted on doing the dishes when they were done eating before she joined AJ out on the deck while he smoked his after dinner cigarette.

So, when do you want to exchange our lists?” he asked.

How about now?” she asked.

AJ nodded and pulled his out of his back pocket and handed it to her.

I just want you to know that there's no way I could make a complete list of all the reasons I love you because it would be infinite.” he said softly as she took the paper from his hand. “But I hope this is a good start.”

Emily smiled. “I put yours on the kitchen counter on top of the cookies.”

AJ gave her a quick kiss and went inside to read his own list.

Emily sat down on a deck chair and opened his list. She realized he wasn't kidding about an infinite list. There were the obvious reasons she'd expected to see and there were the reasons that made her laugh like number 36, “Even my dogs love her” that were so typical of AJ's sense of humor. She could tell he had put a lot of effort into making his list and she read it three times before folding it back up, smiling to herself. She never doubted he loved her but sometimes it felt good to be reminded of why.

They went to bed together that night but AJ was unable to fall asleep. He managed to untangle himself from her and went outside for a cigarette. Emily's list was weighing heavily on his mind. She spoke a lot of his support, understanding, trust and openness. He was beginning to understand why she was so hurt lately. His actions were going against all the reasons she fell in love with him. This realization did nothing to calm his fears and insecurities that he was failing her in every way possible. He wasn't even the same man she'd fallen in love with and he wondered how long it would take her to realize that. His mood spiraled from there as he began to feel even more out of control of his life.

He went inside and reclined in his leather recliner and turned on the TV. He wasn't really watching anything, he was just trying to take his mind off his thoughts before he gave into temptations he felt he barely had a grip on. Around five in the morning he went back to bed, knowing Emily would get up soon and not wanting her to suspect anything was wrong. She stirred as he crawled in next to her.

What time is it?” she mumbled.

It's only five, you can go back to sleep.” he whispered.

Are you ok?”

I'm fine. I just went to the bathroom.” he lied.

Emily turned over and fell back asleep for an hour until the alarm went off. AJ was still awake, never having fallen asleep after all.

You're up early!” she said as she came out of the bathroom to find him up and getting dressed.

Yeah, I couldn't go back to sleep so I figured I'd just get up with you! Can I get you anything for breakfast?” he offered, wanting to do whatever he could for her.

You don't have to do that!”

I want to. I want to try and make up for being such a jerk lately.”

Emily smiled. “You could put on a pot of coffee and toast me a bagel.”

Coming right up!” he said, heading downstairs while Emily dried her hair.

When she was ready she came downstairs to find her bagel waiting for her and her coffee already poured into her travel mug.

Thanks!” she said.

You're welcome.” he said, giving her a gentle kiss. “Have a good day, ok?”

I'll certainly try. You too, ok?”

Yeah, I'll see what I can come up with!” he said, feeling doubtful that he'd have a good day if he didn't even have anything to do.

As Emily was climbing out of her car when she got to work, Randy pulled up in the spot next to her.

Morning!” she called as he got out.

Hey Emily. How's it going?”

Not too shabby. You?”

Oh, I can't complain I suppose. Ready for another day?”

Sure am!” she said.

Did you get any good gossip from Margie yesterday?”

Emily laughed. “More than I ever wanted to know, unfortunately.”

Randy cringed. “Anything bad about me? Or do I even want to know?”

I understand you had yourself a little secret-admirer gone stalker for awhile!”

What?” Randy asked, looking confused and slightly alarmed.

Emily grinned. “Relax, I'm kidding. You are the only person Margie seems to have nothing on, or at least nothing she was willing to share with me.”

Probably because a lot of it involves you!” he winked at her.

Emily blushed as she remembered all the times they'd done it in his office, especially the time on his desk.

He held the door open for her as they walked inside. “Well, I'll see you out there!” he said as he unlocked his office.

Leslie was already in the lounge when she walked in.

So, what's my job today?” she asked her.

Actually, today you're going with one of the doctors on hospital rounds.” Leslie said. “They're usually back by ten and then you'll be back with me after that.”

That sounds like fun! Who am I going with?”

Well that part I don't know yet. I haven't had a chance to look at the schedule today. Go ask Margie, I'm sure she'll know.”

As Emily was walking down the hall she bumped into Randy again.

Hey, I was just looking for you!” he said.

What for?”

I understand you're coming to the hospital with me.”

Oh! We didn't know which one of you was going, I was just on my way to find out who'd be going today.”

We just put a new rotation schedule in place. I got every Wednesday along with the Saturday I work and the Sunday I'm on call for each month. Anyway, shouldn't be long today, we only have one patient, a newborn who just needs their newborn physical before they get discharged home.”

OK.” Emily said, trying to hide the fact that she found it slightly awkward that she'd be going with him.”

Strictly a professional trip.” he promised, as if reading her mind.

Emily smiled. “I know.”

It felt a little strange to get into his car again and ride with him to the hospital but he kept his word and hardly talked about anything personal at all although she kept getting the feeling that he was watching her but every time she stole a glance at him he was focused on the road.

When they got back to the office Emily went to find Leslie who had been manning the phone.

Outbreak of whooping cough at a school.” she said when she finally hung up. “Lots of concerned parents.”

Emily and Leslie tag-teamed the patients today, each taking every other patient with Leslie keeping a close eye on Emily to make sure she was doing ok. The patient load that day seemed extra heavy that even with two of them they were kept busy. She had no idea how the doctors managed to handle it all when she could barely handle half of them!


Chapter 12

Emily was relieved to be home, desperate to put her feet up and relax. She found AJ laying on the couch flipping through the channels. She sat down in the recliner and flipped up the footrest.

How was your day?” she asked, which AJ took to mean 'What the hell have you been doing all day?'

It pretty much sucked.” he mumbled.

Why?” she asked.

AJ sighed. “Mark, my manager, hasn't returned any of my calls the last three days. I tried to set up meetings with record execs and they aren't calling me back either. It's like I've been blackballed or something.”

I'm sorry.” Emily said, feeling badly that he seemed to be at a roadblock.

How was your day with the perfect doctor guy?” he asked, bitterly.

Emily was taken aback. Yesterday he'd seemed at peace with things, the way he asked her about her day and wanted to hear about her job. Even this morning when he made her breakfast. What had happened?

AJ, for the hundredth time you don't have anything to worry about. Most of the time I'm so busy that I hardly even see him, especially today!” Emily said, making sure to leave out the bit about her going to the hospital with him that morning. At this point, she figured what he didn't know couldn't hurt him.

Whatever.” he mumbled, turning his attention back to the tv.

Emily was too exhausted to fight with him. She grabbed some leftovers from the fridge and went upstairs to the den to watch tv by herself.

Around 11 she'd decided enough was enough and went to bed without bothering to say goodnight to him. She'd spent enough time trying to figure him out for one night. She was so exhausted from her long day at work that she managed to fall asleep fairly quickly considering her unsettled mind.

When she got up the next morning she was surprised to find him still awake and watching a movie.

Did you ever go to bed?” she asked.

No, I didn't feel tired enough I guess.” he answered. “Come here a second.” he said, sitting up and motioning for her to join him on the couch.

What's up?” she asked, not sure what kind of mood he was going to be in now.

AJ looked down at the floor for a moment, trying to formulate what he wanted to say.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you and for everything I've put you through.....” he ended as his voice broke.

Emily was stunned to find his eyes seemed a bit teary.

She didn't really know what to say. She couldn't just say it was ok, because she didn't really feel that it was yet. There'd been a lot of apologies from him lately and he always seemed to revert back to angry AJ yet she felt she should at least acknowledge his heartfelt apology in some way. So wrapped her arms around him and held him.

You're going to be ok.” she said. “Just give it some time.” She was trying hard to believe her own words as she spoke them.

AJ nodded.

Maybe you should go to a meeting today.” She suggested gently.

Yeah, I could certainly do that. They have one every day at 3 actually.”

Well good. Look, I'm sorry, I have to go, I really can't be late.” she said, not wanting to leave him like this.

It's ok. I love you.”

I love you too. Try and get some sleep, it'll help you feel better.” she suggested.

I'll try.”

He turned his movie back on and relaxed back on the couch. A few hours after Emily went to work he did manage to fall asleep and he didn't wake up until around noon when she called him on his cell phone.

Hello?” he mumbled sleepily.

Did I wake you up?” she asked.

Yeah.”

I'm sorry, I'm on my lunch break and I thought I'd just call and check in. It didn't even occur to me that you might have finally fallen asleep!”

It's ok.” he said. “So you're eating lunch?”

I just finished, I stepped outside to get some fresh air for a few minutes.”

Mmm...I need a cigarette!” he said, sitting up.

Speaking of fresh air....” she replied.

I know, I know. I need to quit....”

I know you know. And I know that now isn't a good time for you to try. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that we have our appointment with Dr. Murphy this evening.” she said.

Yeah, um, listen I was thinking about that last night and I don't really want to go anymore.” he said.

Emily was dumbfounded. “Why?”

Look, I don't need some shrink to tell me what my problems are. I already know what they are and I know that they are the cause of all the problems between us. I don't need her to tell me that this is all my fault, ok? I already know that and I'm working on it. I need to do this on my own.”

But you aren't on your own anymore AJ! We are supposed to be a team! You're supposed to let me do this with you.” she argued.

Well you can't! You can't fix me! Do you have a record contract for me? Do you have gigs lined up for me? No? I didn't think so. There isn't anything you can do to make this better. I'm sorry I'm an asshole, ok? But all these communication exercises aren't fixing shit and you know it. I just need to get things back on track and I'll be ok. We'll be ok.”

Emily was speechless. Was that really what he thought? That all their problems were completely his fault, that she couldn't help him? What about all that emotion he'd had earlier that morning? Where did all that go?

Are you still there?” he asked.

I'm still here. I just don't even know what to say to you anymore.”

I knew you wouldn't understand.”

Right. Because that's what my role is! The un-supportive bitch who doesn't understand anything!” she said angrily as she hung up on him.

Or course Randy had picked that exact moment to walk outside in search of some fresh air himself.

Everything ok?” he asked cautiously.

Emily plastered a fake smile on her face and stood up. “Oh yeah. Just a stupid argument.” She looked at her watch. “I have to get back inside.”

Randy watched her go with an uneasy feeling. Emily had been very special to him once upon a time and while he knew and accepted that she would never be his again it didn't mean that he'd been able to stop caring about her. It really made his blood boil to think of her being married to a guy who didn't seem to appreciate what he had, or at least that's the way it seemed to Randy. He really had no idea what their problems were, all he knew was that he knew Emily well enough to know when she was pretending and she'd definitely been doing a lot of that lately. He wondered just how long he'd be able to keep his promise to remain professional before he cracked and forced her to tell him what was really going on.

Emily was at a complete loss about AJ and decided to go see Dr. Murphy by herself that night. The doctor looked a bit surprised to see her there alone but was completely open to talking with Emily.

This isn't AJ.” Emily said, over and over.

How do you mean?”

It's just not....him! It's not like him to be so depressed all the time. Usually he's a roll with the punches kind of guy, you know? He didn't let stuff get to him. And now, it's like I don't even recognize him. And I never know what to expect when I talk to him. Take today for example.”

What happened today?”

Well see, Tuesday night I came home and he'd cooked dinner and he was very pleasant and we exchanged lists and talked about my job and he seemed interested in it and glad that I was happy. Wednesday I come home from work and he makes some snide comment about working with the perfect doctor guy. He stayed up all night last night, he was still up when I got up to go to work and he sat me down with him and apologized for being such a jerk and he was actually nearly crying! I didn't even know what to say to him. Then I called him at lunch today to remind him about our appointment and he said he didn't want to come anymore, that he knew all this was his fault and all his problem and there wasn't anything I could do to help him and I just needed to wait for him to figure it out, he didn't need a shrink to tell him what he already knew.”

Has he been drinking again?”

I don't think so, at least not that I know of.”

This behavior is very typical of an addict who's started using again. The anger and depression sends them for a drink, the guilt is the realization of what they've done.”

Well, he's completely out of character lately so I guess I wouldn't put it past him to be.”

Dr. Murphy looked concerned. “Is he still going to meetings?”

I don't know. I guess I assumed he was. He said something about one at 3 every day but I guess he didn't really say he was going or not. I just don't know what's going on with him! Is it me? Am I making him miserable? Do you think he feels trapped or something?”

Dr. Murphy shook her head. “No, I know I've only seen you twice but he really does seem to love you deeply. Emily I think AJ has some pretty serious issues coming to surface right now and to be perfectly honest he's probably going to need more than marriage counseling to get him through it.”

Emily looked alarmed. “What do you mean?”

From what you described about his behavior he seems to be suffering from some kind of emotional unbalance and depression combined with fighting an addiction that was brought on probably by the same issues.”

Emily sighed. In a way she'd suspected the same things herself but hearing someone else confirm it was worse.

Well what can I do?”

Unfortunately not much until he's ready to really deal with things. You can be there to help him when he's willing to let you.”

What if he's not going to be ready to deal with this for a long time? Am I supposed to just wait around for a few years waiting for him to wake up?”

That's up to you.” Dr. Murphy said.

She felt like she'd been slapped in the face with the realization that things might not get better and she might actually be faced with the choice of staying or leaving.


Emily didn't feel at all better after talking to Dr. Murphy that night. She went home and found that AJ had gone out somewhere, he didn't leave a note and she didn't really care. She took a long hot bath and crawled into bed early, her emotions weighing heavily on her.

She woke up alone yet again the next morning and found him planted on the couch, watching more tv.

Not tired again?” she asked.

No.”

AJ....” she started, wondering if it was a good idea to try and talk to him or not. “Are you ok?”

I don't know.” he answered as he flipped the channel.

Are you going to your meetings.”

Every day at 3, remember?”

Yeah. Well, good. Ok...well...I guess I'll talk to you later.” she said.

Yeah, see ya.” he said, keeping his eyes glued to the screen. He couldn't bear to look at her face and see it full of hurt, disappointment and worry and know it was all because of him. No, he'd much rather watch the Today show and pretend his problems didn't exist.


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"Realize" is a work of fiction.
The characters and events portrayed are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

Copyright ©2008
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No part of this text may be copied or reprinted
without the author's permission.

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