Chapter 37

AJ and Brian sat together out on the back deck at Brian's while AJ smoked. Neither one of them had much to say at the moment. Brian was still in shock from the information overload he'd suffered at dinner. He'd had no idea Emily and Randy had slept together while AJ was gone and he'd had no idea Emily was pregnant and had a miscarriage. His initial reaction was to be upset with Emily but the more he thought about it, the more he came to see her side of the story. Brian remembered very clearly how distraught Emily had been when they'd all thought AJ had left for good. He could understand her need to turn to Randy for comfort. It didn't mean he approved of using sex as a comfort tool but he did understand it. It was just really dumb luck that she'd ended up pregnant.

AJ was still in shock himself. He'd had absolutely no idea Emily had kept so much from him and part of him wondered if there was even more he didn't know about. His initial reaction had obviously been anger and he was sitting there trying very hard to understand her reasoning but he just couldn't. Even if she had thought he left her, how could she have so easily gone and slept with someone else? Actually, he might understand better if it had been anyone but Randy. If she had just gone out to a bar and met some random guy and slept with him, that would make a little more sense to him. But Randy was the guy she dumped for him and the fact that she went to him for comfort made him very uneasy as he wondered if Emily had ever questioned her decision to leave Randy, especially lately.

AJ stamped out his cigarette and turned to Brian. “So what do you make of all this?”

“Me?” Brian looked surprised.

“Yeah. You're my best bet at an impartial person right now. Obviously your wife knew about all this, did you even know?”

“I had no clue.” Brian said, running his fingers through his hair. “I'm surprised she didn't tell me about it. Actually I should say I'm surprised she was capable of keeping it a secret.”

“Women always do stick together.” AJ muttered.

“Honestly, I'm just not sure what to make of it all right now.” Brian admitted. “I mean, I was here when you were gone. I saw what it did to her and because of that, I can certainly understand her need for some sort of comfort like that. But at the same time, I can't really understand her keeping something like a baby to herself.”

“Yeah, that's kind of where I get stuck too.” AJ said. “But I also just don't like that it was this Randy guy. If it was just sex she wanted, she could have gone out and picked up a guy, right? Why did she go to him?”

“I don't know.”

“I mean, do you think she regrets leaving him?” AJ asked, not sure if he really wanted to know that or not.

“I don't think so. I think he was just a shoulder for her to cry on. I got the impression he knew a little bit about what was going on between you two. Emily said he'd asked her what was going on because it was starting to interfere with her work, maybe that's why.”

AJ sighed heavily. “I keep thinking about what would have happened if it was his baby. I'm so torn. Part of me is sad, I mean if it was my baby, you know? And part of me feels like we might have dodged a huge bullet too. And it sucks that we'll never know.”

“Maybe that's a blessing.” Brian said. “If you never have to know, that means you never had to know.”

AJ chuckled. “That was deep, man.”

Brian smiled. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. Jesus man, I just can't believe she kept all that to herself.”

“It couldn't have been easy. Leighanne had a miscarriage once, it ripped her apart emotionally.”

“Really? I didn't know about that.” AJ said.

“We didn't tell anyone at the time. Baylee was two and it was a surprise pregnancy.”

“I'm sorry, bro.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you two ever talk about having another one?” AJ asked.

“We have talked about it. It just never felt like the right time.”

“If there is such a thing.” AJ said.

Brian nodded. “I'm starting to wonder.”

AJ looked up as Leighanne came outside and slowly walked over to them.

“Hey.” she said. “I just wanted to let you know I was home.” She gave Brian a quick kiss.

“Are you going to bed?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Alright, goodnight, I love you.” he said.

“Love you too.” Leigh said as she turned to go back inside.

“Leigh, hang on a sec.” AJ said, standing up and walking over towards her.

“Yeah?”

AJ cleared his throat. “How is she?”

Leighanne eyed him carefully, unsure of why he was asking. “Not the greatest but she's ok, why?”

“I don't know, I guess I just wanted to know.”

“She's at home, probably still sitting outside where I left her. She said she plans on waiting at home until you decide you're ready to talk about it.”

“Well, that might be awhile. I'm not sure I'll be ready tomorrow.”

“I know.” Leighanne said, touching his arm. “Look, when you are ready, just hear her out ok? Give her an honest chance to explain.”

AJ nodded.

AJ promised Brian he'd be ok if he went to bed and he sat by himself inside on the couch, trying to sort it all out in his head. He eventually gave up for the night, realizing it was just too much for him to process at the moment. He turned on the tv and tried to distract his mind enough to fall asleep.

First thing the next morning, he called Larry, his sponsor, and asked him to meet him before the meeting that day so he could talk to him. Larry had never met Emily before and while AJ wasn't looking for advice from him, he did need some support at the moment. He trusted Larry to give it to him straight. Larry listened to the story over coffee and donuts, a look of surprise crossing his face every now and then, but he didn't speak until AJ was done.

“That's a lot even for me to take in.” he said, finally.

AJ laughed.

“Look, obviously I'm divorced so I might not be the best person to be handing out advice but there are a few things I did learn. The first thing is that communication is key. You two were so worked up at each other last night that you didn't give each other a chance to really communicate. You need to wait until you're calm enough to sit down together and talk, not fight and yell, about it. The second thing is understanding. We talk about that at AA all the time, understanding the effect our actions have on others. I think this might be a great example of that.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” AJ asked.

“Not at all, I'm just saying that you need to try and understand the toll your drinking took on your wife and she needs to understand the toll her actions have taken on you.”

“I don't even know the toll its taken on me yet.” AJ admitted.

“And hell, I have the name of a great divorce attorney if you need it!” Larry joked.

AJ laughed. “You know, I promised her I'd never walk away and I meant it. I know I'm going back, I just don't know when I'll be able to forgive her and trust her. I'm worried things will never go back to the way they were.”

“Maybe not. But for all you know maybe they'll be even better than that.”

AJ felt a lot better after his meeting and he went back to Brian's to do some more thinking. He knew Larry was right, before he could talk to Emily he really needed to feel calm so that he'd keep his cool.

It had been three very long days since Emily had heard from AJ. She kept true to her word, she had not left the house since Monday night when he'd left. She went through a lot of phases since then, feeling guilty, feeling angry with him for not understanding, feeling scared he'd never forgive her, feeling scared to talk to him. As much as she wanted him to take the time he needed, she was starting to get a bit anxious and wondered if she shouldn't just call him.

She finally settled on sending him a text message, that way he'd get her message but he wouldn't have to talk to her and she wouldn't have to talk to him.

Just letting you know that I'm still here,

whenever you're ready to talk.

Em.

AJ sighed when he read her text. He knew that the last three days had probably been even longer for her and while he might not be ready to forgive her, he was finally ready to talk to her so he sent her a text back.

I'll be home in an hour.

Emily felt butterflies in her stomach as she read his message. In an hour he'd be there. In an hour she might have some more clarity to what was going to happen. She decided to take a shower and try to look halfway decent. She decided if she looked too good, he might not believe that she had really been upset while he was gone and if she didn't look good at all, it might make him think she'd been sitting at home covered in guilt. So she settled on jeans, a nice looking fitted t-shirt and a small amount of makeup.

She was standing at the kitchen counter flipping through a magazine when he walked in the door and slowly walked into the kitchen.

“Hey...” she said, suddenly feeling very nervous.

“Hey.” he said, sounding equally uncomfortable.

They stood there for a minute, awkwardly staring at each other, not knowing what to do next.

“I missed you.” she said, finally.

“Yeah, I missed you too.” he admitted. He may have been mad as hell at her but he still missed her.

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Sure.” he said. They sat down at the table sitting across from each other.

AJ folded his hands and stared at her. He could tell just by the fact that she wasn't meeting his gaze that she was very nervous.

“I want you to have the chance to explain it to me.” he said.

“You do?” she asked, looking surprised.

AJ nodded. “I want to hear you out to be fair.”

Emily took a deep breath. “Ok..well...where do you want me to start?”

“From wherever you need to.” he said, sitting back in his chair. He knew this wasn't going to be easy to hear but he decided he really needed to know where she was coming from to give her a fair chance.

“Well, when things were starting to fall apart, it was really hard for me. For a long time, you've been pretty much the one person I confide in you know? And it was like that person was gone. You weren't yourself, you were some guy who looked like AJ yet I didn't even recognize him. I walked around pretending like everything was fine because I didn't want anyone to know what was really going on. But eventually, it got to be too much and it was really getting to me. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it because obviously I couldn't talk to you and even if I tried you'd end up yelling at me and I didn't want to talk to Leighanne because I didn't want them getting involved. I was worried it would upset you even more. Then I started screwing up at work and Randy asked to see me after my shift and maybe I shouldn't have but at that time I really needed a friend who would stay out of it and just listen. So I talked to him a little bit. The night I followed you to the bar was the last straw. I mean, do you even remember what you said to me that night? Do you remember blaming me for your drinking? Something about not being able to see the look of disappointment on my face so you had to drink to feel better. That's when I knew you were gone. You weren't AJ anymore. The next morning, you were gone and you just left that note....I was devastated. I mean, I didn't know for sure that you'd left me. For awhile I thought maybe you just needed some space but the longer it went the more sure I became. Then you sent that e-mail and to me that was like you confirming it. You said you were sorry you had to go like you did but you thought it was the best. I mean I really don't see how you can expect me to have thought anything else.”

“Yeah but nothing in those notes actually said 'Emily, I'm leaving you' it was all speculation.” AJ pointed out.

Emily nodded. “I know. But I really didn't know what else to make of it.”

“But don't you know that I'd never leave you? I mean that's one of the things that hurt me the most was that you thought I'd given up on you, that I didn't want to be with you! I can't believe you had that much lack of faith in my love and devotion.”

“Well, I look at it a little differently. You see, from my perspective, my husband vanished as soon as you lost your record deal. You were not yourself. And it only got worse with the drinking. That wasn't you. I don't know who it was but it wasn't you. Don't you see, I know that you won't ever leave me, but that wasn't you then. You were not yourself at all.”

AJ hadn't thought of it that way and he had to admit she had a point.

“The AJ I know and love would never have treated me the way you did, would never have been so angry and resentful with me for doing something I love.” she went on. “So in my defense, I really didn't know what to expect from you anymore.”

“So how exactly did you end up in Randy's arms?”

Emily sighed. “I stayed with Brian all weekend and I knew I needed to go home. They were going to postpone their trip to New York and I told them to just go ahead and go. I got your e-mail and I lost it. I mean, try to understand my state of mind. I really thought you had written to tell me that you were glad you'd left me and that it was working out better for you that way. I thought you were somewhere in LA partying it up in a bar somewhere. I drove around for a few hours and I really needed someone to talk to. I called Leighanne and then I remembered she was out of cell service and there was no one else for me to talk to that knew what was going on except for him. I went over to his house just to talk. I didn't set out to do anything else, I swear.”

AJ clenched his jaw but he remained calm as he let her continue.

“I fell asleep on his couch and I guess I was having some kind of nightmare and he woke me up and it just kind of...happened.”

“Why? I mean how could you just let it happen if he doesn't mean anything to you anymore.”

Emily suddenly realized that a big part of what had AJ so thrown was that it had been Randy she'd slept with.

“Even before you left, I just felt very unloved and neglected. I felt like maybe you'd stopped loving me or something. I know it wasn't right but at the time, I guess I just felt like I needed to feel special and loved by someone at a time when I felt completely crushed and unworthy and alone.”

AJ shifted in his chair as he fought to stay calm. He just wasn't convinced it was that simple.

“You don't think it had anything to do with maybe you needing to feel loved by a guy who you knew still had feelings for you? And that maybe you realized you still cared for?”

Emily shook her head. “I honestly didn't realize how deep his feelings still were until afterwards. It had nothing to do with wanting to get together with him or with our past relationship. He was a friend and that's it.”

“So then what happened?”

“The next day, you called and I flew out to see you.”

“So you were with him one night and me the next?”

Emily nodded, feeling ashamed.

“And you never thought to tell me about it?”

“I did think about it! I thought a lot about it, actually. Ultimately I decided that I didn't want to add to your problems. I knew it would only hurt you and that you probably wouldn't be able to understand how it really happened and how I was feeling at the time and I just wanted you to get better.”

“So you didn't think I'd be able to handle it?”

“No, it wasn't that. I just knew that you had a lot to deal with and I just didn't see a point in telling you if it would only hurt you. I didn't know I was going to wind up pregnant.”

“And when exactly did you find that out?”

“The Thursday before you left on your retreat. I'd been feeling kind of crappy and this girl I worked with, Christina, made a joke about me being pregnant and I realized I was already five days late and hadn't even noticed it.”

“Why didn't you tell me when I talked to you on the phone?”

“I still hadn't figured out what I was going to say. I mean by then I knew I had to tell you everything and I didn't want to do it on the phone.”

“Did you tell Randy?”

“Yes. I told him the next day. I had honestly thought about not telling him at all and just letting everyone think it was definitely yours but I realized I couldn't do that. If it was his baby, he deserved the chance to be in its life. And I didn't want to have to keep a secret like that. And then I thought maybe I wouldn't tell you about it until after I'd had the paternity test done but Randy told me I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't let you go on thinking you were having a baby only to have me drop a bomb on you that it wasn't yours after you'd had a chance to get all excited about it. So I knew I had to tell you everything as soon as you got home.”

“But then you had a miscarriage.” he said.

“Yeah.” Emily said, her voice cracking for the first time. “The Friday before you came home. I was cramping and bleeding and I went to the emergency room and found out.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Honestly, at first I thought I could just tell you I was pregnant and had a miscarriage and let you think it was yours but I knew that you'd be so nice and supportive and every time you were I'd feel so guilty. And then I also thought, well, if I could spare you from the pain I was going through, I would. It was over, it happened, there was no need for you to know. And part if it was totally selfish. If I didn't tell you, you might not ever find out about Randy. I hate that you found out the way you did and I wish I could take it back and handle all of it differently and I'm sorry. It really had nothing to do with me thinking you couldn't handle it, I was just being totally selfish.”

“But you knew I wouldn't understand.” he said.

“I was afraid you wouldn't, yes.” she said, looking him in the eyes.

“So you kept it from me so that I wouldn't have to be upset about losing a baby, so that I wouldn't find out about Randy and because you knew that if I did find out, I wouldn't understand?”

Emily nodded. “Yes.”

“And have you talked to Randy lately?”

“Not since the morning after I lost the baby.” she said, still looking him in the eye.

AJ sat silently for a few minutes while Emily waited anxiously for him to speak.

“Will you ever forgive me?” she asked, unable to stand the silence.

AJ looked up. “I really hope so.” he said.

Emily's face fell. She had really hoped that once he heard her side of the story he might come around.

“Look, I think I just need some more time to think about everything you said.” he said.

“Ok. But listen, if you want to talk more, please just call. Remember, I'm unemployed so I'm here all day.”

“I'll be at Brian's if you need anything important.” he said, not wanting her to feel like he was completely walking out on her.

“AJ, Randy doesn't mean anything to me. I really need you to believe me.”

“Ok.” AJ said, still unsure what he believed at the moment. “I'll talk to you later.” he said, getting up and grabbing his keys.

“Yeah, ok.” Emily said.

She watched him walk out the door, trying to hold together her composure. He turned to look at her one last time when he opened the door and she let a single tear slide down her cheek as he turned and left.

Chapter 38

Emily was dying to know what AJ was thinking when he left. She really needed to know if he believed her. If he really trusted her that she didn't have feelings for Randy, that she hadn't felt he was too weak to handle any of what she had told him. She really needed him to understand. She realized that him understanding didn't mean he automatically would forgive her but he hadn't given her any indication whatsoever what was in his head. She hated that she had to go back to finding mindless tasks to keep herself occupied while she waited for him to think some more.

Brian and Leighanne had taken Baylee to see a movie when he got back and for awhile, he sat at their kitchen table just thinking. Part of him was surprised Emily had remained so calm and composed. Part of him expected her to cry a lot and beg him to come home. He realized that she was accepting responsibility for her part in this but that she wasn't going to just roll over and take the blame for everything. She'd done a pretty good job explaining it to him, now he just had to sort it all out.

He realized now that he couldn't hold it against her for thinking he had left her. Once she pointed out that he wasn't acting normal by any means and that she didn't know what to expect of him at that time, it made a little more sense to him. He guessed that was part of the whole understanding thing Larry was talking about. He now had a better understanding of what his actions had done to Emily.

What he wasn't sure of was the whole Randy part of the story. AJ officially did not like the guy. At best, he took advantage of Emily when she'd come to him in need of a shoulder to cry on. At worst, they both harbored a secret love for each other. But if that were the case, would Emily really bother sticking around and waiting for him to come home and talk to her about this whole mess? AJ didn't think Emily still loved him but he did think she cared for him on a certain level otherwise she never would have turned to him in that way. Maybe Emily didn't quite realize it but he did. Emily wouldn't sleep with just anybody, she really needed to have that emotional connection. He didn't know much about Randy but he suspected he needed to keep his wife away from him because he was pretty sure the doctor had strong feelings for his wife. Of course he could understand why, Emily was a great woman but that didn't make it ok!

As he thought about it, he felt that he really did believe the things Emily had said. She hadn't thought he was incapable of dealing with any of this, she was just trying to protect herself and her marriage. She was right...he hadn't been able to understand what she was going through when she slept with Randy. Even now, after hearing her explain it to him, he still didn't completely get it. For the most part he understood but there was still a part of him that just didn't get it. He guessed it was mainly because of a few leftover insecurities about Emily and Randy combined with still being in shock over the whole thing.

But while he was beginning to understand, he also felt like that didn't just make it ok. He could understand why he drank but that didn't make it ok, did it? He knew he was still going to be upset at her for keeping all this from him and as much as he wanted to understand, he knew he was still going to be upset that she slept with Randy. He had a mean streak of jealousy to him and just the thought of Emily being with him made his blood boil. And because of that, he knew he was going to have a hard time trusting her for awhile, knowing he'd always be wondering what else she might be keeping from him.

The next day, Emily was cleaning the kitchen when she heard Daisy barking at the door. As soon as she opened the door to let her in, the dog came charging inside with something in her mouth. She took off for her favorite hiding spot, the laundry room and Emily anxiously followed, wondering if she really wanted to know what the dog had found.

“Alright Daisy...what did you do this....” Emily stopped. Daisy had apparently had a little fun catching a bird and decided to bring her new toy inside. The only problem was the bird was still alive and had escaped Daisy's clutches and was now flying around the laundry room. Emily screamed and ran out of the room, shutting the dog and the bird in.

She leaned against the back of the door trying to figure out what to do. Daisy wouldn't stop barking at the bird but she knew if she opened the door to get Daisy out, the bird might fly out too.

“You had to get a fucking bird, didn't you?” she yelled through the door. “It couldn't have been a bunny or something, you had to pick the thing I am the most afraid of!” Emily hated birds and had a very strange and strong fear of them. AJ had always thought it was hilarious. She wondered how funny he'd think this was.

She decided she was an adult, she could suck it up and get the bird out herself but every time she cracked open the door and saw the bird fluttering about, she freaked out and shut the door again.

She sighed and decided she had to get someone to help her. He had told her she could call if it was important and she was pretty sure this was important. She called AJ's cell phone but it was turned off so she tried Brian's house phone and Leighanne picked up.

“Leighanne, is AJ there?”

“Yeah...he's here, what's going on, you sound weird!”

“Daisy brought in a bird and it's still alive and flying and everything! I've got them both trapped in the laundry room but I can't go in and get the bird!”

Leighanne laughed. “Are you serious?”

“It's not funny!” Emily said. “That thing is creeping me out majorly!”

“Alright, I'll send him over to save you.”

“Thanks. Tell him to hurry!” she said.

AJ laughed when Leighanne told him about the bird.

“She must be so freaked out.” he said. “She's really afraid of birds.”

“Well, I have a feeling if you don't get over there soon I'll be the one in trouble so you'd better go rescue your wife!”

AJ got there twenty minutes after she'd called. He found Emily sitting outside on the front porch waiting for him.

“Alright, show me this scary bird situation you've got.” he said, trying hard not to smile as she was obviously very disturbed.

“They're in the laundry room. Daisy won't stop barking at it. I think your dog is out to get me.”

“Daisy has a grudge against you?” AJ asked, with a twinkle in his eye.

“Well why else would she bring a bird in here?”

“Emily, she's a dog. It's just what they sometimes do.”

“Ok...well, I'm just going to wait out here while you do your thing. And put the bird out the back, I don't want to see it!”

AJ laughed to himself as he walked in the house. He discovered Daisy was in fact barking up a storm and as he looked in the laundry room he saw the bird perched up on the shelf. He went into the kitchen and got a big pot with a lid. He didn't really know how he was supposed to get the bird into the pot but he figured it was worth a try. He brought Daisy one of her favorite bones in an effort to distract her for a few minutes. The bone worked, Daisy stopped barking and went to town, forgetting all about the stupid bird.

“Here birdie birdie birdie...” AJ said as he whistled at the bird. “You just stay right there while I put this pot over you....good birdie....” The bird was so scared that it didn't even flinch as AJ put the pot over it and rested it on the shelf. He held the lid up and slowly scooted the pot off the shelf and onto the lid, dragging the bird along with hit. He quickly took the pot out back and let the poor bird go. He washed the pot and put it away before he went to get Emily. He knew that if she knew which pot had touched the bird, she'd throw it away for sure.

“Did you get it?” she asked when he walked out the front.

“Yes, I saved the bird.”

“Hell, I don't care about the bird, you saved me!” Emily said.

AJ laughed. “Well, I guess I'm the hero of the day then.”

“Thank you.” she said.

“Hey, as mad as I may ever be at you, I could never expect you to be able to catch a bird! A spider maybe, but never a bird!”

Emily smiled. “Well, for the record, you are in fact my hero of the day!”

“Anything else you need before I go?”

“No, I think I can handle just about anything else. Do you have to run off so quick?” she asked, hoping he might stay.

“Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready yet.”

Emily nodded. “I understand.”

“But, should Daisy do anything else to you, you can call me again ok?”

“Ok.” Emily forced a smile.

Brian felt pretty bad for Emily after he heard about the bird incident. He'd done his best to keep his nose out of their situation because he knew this was something they really needed to figure out themselves. But after AJ had filled him in on everything Emily had told them when they had their talk and then that AJ had gone over to catch the bird and then left right away had him feeling a bit sorry for Emily. There was a growing part of him that felt like she was being made the bad guy in a situation where there was enough blame to go around.

He told AJ and Leighanne he was going out to dinner with some friends and made his escape.

When Emily answered the door that evening she was very surprised to see Brian standing there.

“Hey Brian, what's up?”

“I came to take you out to dinner.” he said.

Emily squinted at him. “Why?”

“Can't a friend just want to hang out with a friend?”

“Since when do you and I hang out together?”

Brian sighed. “Alright fine. I feel bad for you sitting here all alone while AJ's at my house eating all my ice cream so I thought maybe I'd take you out and cheer you up a bit.”

Emily smiled. She had not expected this out of Brian at all. “Ok. So long as you can promise me that AJ isn't going to show up looking for me while I'm gone.”

Brian laughed. “Have you really not left the house this whole time?”

Emily shook her head.

“Well, he actually made plans with Baylee to have a slumber party tonight so I think you're safe to sneak out.”

Emily grabbed her purse and slipped some shoes on and was ready to go.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“How do you feel about Mexican?”

“That'd be great. I've been living off of cereal and popcorn so just about anything will do for me.”

Brian drove her to the nearest Mexican restaurant and they sat in a booth munching on chips and salsa while they waited for their food.

“So are you really here to cheer me up?” she finally asked.

“Yes.”

“Don't take this the wrong way but I didn't really expect this of you.”

“No? What did you expect?”

“Well, I kind of thought maybe you'd be more on AJ's side and be mad at me.”

“I'm not really on anyone's side. And to be perfectly honest, I was mad at you. At first, that is. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood where you were coming from. And then after the whole bird fiasco today I felt kind of bad that he just left. I mean he came, caught the bird and left. At least that's what he told me.”

Emily smiled. “Yeah. That was kind of rough.”

“That's what I thought. But I didn't say anything, I'm trying really hard not to get in the middle of it, I just kind of thought maybe you could use a friend right now.”

“Well you had good timing. I was really about to go crazy at home. I'm so bored! I can't do anything because I can't concentrate and it's kind of lonely with no one to talk to all day.”

“I don't doubt it.” Brian said as their food arrived.

“So, if you don't mind me asking, what was the worst fight you and Leighanne ever had?”

Brian thought for a moment as he chewed a bite of his burrito. “It was a really long time ago, before we were married. We were on a really long tour and Leigh had planned to come visit me when we were in New York except I forgot.”

“You forgot?” Emily's eyes widened.

“Yeah.” Brian looked sheepish. “I guess I'd been on the road for so long and all the cities were running together and it totally slipped my mind and instead of meeting her at the hotel like I was supposed to, I went to a big party with the guys and I was out damn near all night.”

“And she didn't kill you?”

He laughed. “Nearly. That was kind of the last straw on top of a lot of other little things that had been going on, mostly a result of me being away so much. She told me she wanted me to take the rest of the tour to think about what was most important to me and she didn't want to hear form me until I'd figured it out.”

“Which, clearly you did.”

“Yeah, I did. And I'm damn thankful I did, too.”

Emily sighed. “Sometimes I feel like AJ and I always have some kind of huge drama. I mean right from the beginning its been that way.”

“Yeah, but the things getting in the way now aren't think that will keep happening, right? I mean you aren't going to sleep with your ex boyfriend, get pregnant and keep it all a secret again are you?”

“No!” Emily said.

“And AJ's not going to go back to dark and sullen AJ again.”

“I hope not.”

“Emily, I really think if he can make it through this sober, he can make it through damn near anything.”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

“Well, you didn't know him the first time he went to rehab. This time when he came back, he really was different. When he talked to me, I really could just tell.”

“So, if we can make it through this, hopefully it'll be smooth sailing.”

Brian and Emily spent the rest of dinner talking about more fun things to lighten her mood up. Emily was touched by his gesture and it gave her confidence a bit of a boost. She went home feeling hopeful that this would soon be all behind her and life would finally move on.

Chapter 39

After another three days had gone by and AJ had now been living in his house for a week, Brian decided it was time to intervene.

“So what is it that's taking you so long to figure out exactly?” Brian asked AJ.

“Huh?”

“You've been at my house for a week now, and I'm just curious what it is that's taking you so long to understand.”

AJ shrugged. “I guess I was just hoping to figure out whether or not I'd be able to get past this before I go home.”

“I don't think you'll know that until you do go home.”

“Maybe not.”

“Look if there's one thing I've learned about marriage, its forgiveness. Sure, your next fight won't be of epic proportions like this one but there will be times where you'll butt heads again and if you can't learn to forgive her, you might as well give up now.”

AJ was surprised. “You think I should just forgive her and move on?”

“I'm not saying to just let it go, but I am saying you can't begin to repair things if you can't forgive her. She'll never be able to mend things with you if you can't do that. The first step in getting things back the way they were, or as close as you can get to it, is in forgiveness.”

AJ sighed. He knew Brian was right. He'd been sitting around for a week hoping for some magic answer to all of this and he knew that he couldn't hide from it forever. A few hours later, AJ went home.

Emily was in their bathroom wearing grubby jeans and an old t-shirt of his with yellow rubber gloves on scrubbing the floor when he found her.

“Hey.” he said.

Emily quickly sat up, dropping her scrub brush as she looked over at him, completely surprised to see him standing there.

“Are you really here or did I inhale too many fumes from the floor cleaner?”

AJ smiled. “No, I'm really here.”

Emily stood up and took off her gloves, tossing them on the floor. “Are you home, or are you just...here?”

“I'm home.” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Well....welcome home.” she said, unsure of what to say or do.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“Sure.” Emily said, walking across the room and sitting on the edge of the bed. AJ sat across her in the chair against the wall.

“Look, I'm going to try and work through this, I just....I don't know if things will ever be the same again.” he said.

Emily nodded. “Because you don't know if you'll ever really be able to forgive me.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Emily took a deep breath and decided to stick up for herself. “Look, I'm very sorry for what happened but you're acting like I'm the only one who did anything wrong. Let's not forget that I have forgiven an awful lot of you lately, and while you may not have slept with someone else, you certainly betrayed my trust by sneaking around and drinking and treating me the way that you did.”

“Fair enough.” AJ said, realizing she did have a point.

“So....what do we do now?”

“I guess we try to go back to living together.”

“Do you want to talk more about it?”

He shook his head. “Not right now.”

“Ok. Well, if you do, you know where to find me.” Emily got up and went back towards the bathroom to finish cleaning the floor, not knowing what else to do.

“Emily?”

“Yeah?” she called.

“Have you been cleaning the house all week?”

“Maybe....”

AJ remained in his chair feeling very awkward. He felt like they'd said everything there was to say yet he felt like there should be more to say. It felt strange just to sit there and try to act normal. He was still sitting there when Emily finished cleaning the floor and walked out of the bathroom.

“Are you ok?” she asked, wondering if there was something he wanted to say.

“Yeah. I guess I'm just...sitting.”

“It can't be this awkward forever.” she said.

“I guess not.”

“Why don't we go out tonight? Just a nice and simple dinner to help break the ice.”

AJ nodded. “Yeah, ok. That sounds like a good idea.”

“I'll go take a shower and get dressed, do you want to pick a place to eat?”

“Sure, I can do that.”

Emily took a long shower. She knew it was normal for things to feel so awkward, she just hoped and prayed that it wasn't going to last too long. She also hoped AJ wasn't going to hold this against her for too much longer or they'd never be able to move on.

He wasn't sitting in the chair anymore when she came out of the bathroom and walked in her closet to try and pick out something to wear. She decided on a pair of jeans she had that AJ had once said were his favorite pair because of they way the clung to her butt. She figured wearing his favorites certainly wouldn't hurt things. She pulled on a blue, scoop neck t-shirt and brown flip flops with sequins on the straps.

She went down to find him sitting at the table reading the paper.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked.

He looked up at her and smiled as he realized she'd worn his favorite jeans. “Yeah. How do you feel about IHOP? I've got a mad craving for pancakes.”

“That sounds good to me, you know I never complain about breakfast food!”

AJ drove them in his car and after a few minutes of silence, Emily reached over and turned on the radio. As they both realized what song was on the radio, they started cracking up. It was Amy Winehouse, He's Trying To Make Me Go to Rehab.

“Apparently the universe thinks we need to lighten up.” he said when their laughter subsided.

They pulled up to IHOP and were seated immediately.

Once they were seated and faced with having to make conversation again, they both began to tense up a little.

“So, do you want me to try and pretend like nothing happened or do you want me to play the part of the guilty wife in the doghouse?”

AJ gave her an odd look.

“Well, look, either way we have to figure out a way to talk to each other, I just want to know what it is you're expecting.” she explained.

He sighed. “Well, if you're able to pretend like nothing happened, I guess that'd be the easiest way to make conversation because I certainly don't think I can do it.”

Emily looked up at him. Was he ever going to let this go? She knew she couldn't argue with him right now so she stood up to the challenge.

“So, Daisy and I made up yesterday.” she said.

“Oh yeah?” he asked, actually interested in hearing that story.

“Yes. You know the neighbors little yip-yap dog that I hate?”

“Buster? Yeah, I hate him too. He's always trying to bite my legs!”

“Exactly! Well, Buster got in our yard again while I was weeding the flower bed by the pool and Daisy chased him off for me. It was funny, I've never actually seen Daisy go after him like that.”

“She was looking out for you.” AJ said. “And you thought she had it out for you!”

“Hey! You didn't see the look in her face when she brought in that bird!”

AJ laughed. Emily was trying hard and he realized the least he could do was to do the same.

“So is my wife still unemployed?”

“Yes. But only because I can't make up my mind what I want to do. Do I want to work in a doctor's office or at the hospital? A doctor's office would mean less flexible hours but at a hospital I'd be seeing all sick kids and no happy, healthy ones. Otherwise why would they be in the hospital, you know?”

“Is it the hours you're most concerned with or being in the right environment for you?” he asked.

“Well, the flexible hours would be great for a lot of things like being with you when you're gone or being at home when we have a family but I really do think I prefer the environment of a private practice better.”

“I think you should do what will make you the happiest. The rest we can always work around. Do you have any particular practices in mind?” he asked, as innocently as possible.

Emily had to use all her self restraint not to roll her eyes at him. She knew what he was really asking was if she wanted to go work for Randy again. She decided to play dumb and just answer the question. “No, I just have to look and see what's available.”

The waitress brought over their drinks and took their order. Emily stirred her coffee and continued her efforts to make conversation.

“So how is the album coming?”

“Really good believe it or not. Brent met with the execs and he said they loved it so it's a total go, I start working at the studio in November in New York again.”

“That's great! I'm so excited for you, I can't wait to hear the final product!”

“Yeah, I can't wait to start recording! It's going to be so awesome.”

Emily breathed a sigh of relief when their food finally came. She was working her hardest to keep conversation going and he wasn't giving her very much to work with. Now that she had a giant stack of pancakes to eat, she could take a break from the conversation for awhile as she ate and watched all the people in the restaurant. They left fairly quickly after they finished and rode home pretty much in silence.

“I'm going to go downstairs and do some work in my studio.” he said when they got home.

“Ok.” Emily said, trying to hide the disappointment from her voice.

AJ went and locked himself in his studio and collapsed into his chair. Dinner had been very uncomfortable, almost like a bad first date. Emily, bless her heart, had tried so hard but he just didn't really feel much like talking to her. He only hoped that things would be a bit easier the next day.

Emily sat down in the kitchen and called Leighanne.

“Hey Em, how's it going?”

“Terrible!” she said, her voice wobbling.

“Why? Didn't AJ come home?”

“Yeah but I'm starting to wonder why. He doesn't even want to talk to me. We tried to go out to dinner tonight as an ice breaker and I had to make conversation the entire time and he barely spoke and he didn't even hardly look at me the whole time.”

“Where is he now?”

“In his studio, hiding from me.” she sniffed.

“I'm sorry, sweetie. I wish there was something I could do.”

“I just hope tomorrow gets better.”

“I'm sure it will be. He came home. That's a start, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

After she hung up with Leighanne, Emily sat at the table and cried for a few minutes as she let out her frustrations. She didn't hear AJ come upstairs.

“Emily, are you ok?” he asked.

Emily looked up and wiped her eyes. “Not really.”

“What's the matter?”

“I really am starting to wonder whether or not you'll ever let this go.” she admitted.

“I'm trying, I really am.”

“Are you? You'll barely even look at me!” she said, standing up. “If you're going to stay in this with me, you have to forgive me. You have to! I'm so sorry for what happened and I love you so much and I really need you to forgive me and let me back in.” she pleaded. “I don't want to lose you but I don't want to live like this either.”

AJ walked over and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him in a strong hug.

“I promise, I'll try harder.” he said. “I want this to be over with too.”

Caught up in the feeling of being held by him for the first time in a week, Emily let go of her emotions and sobbed in his arms. AJ held her, knowing she'd been trying so hard this whole time to keep her emotions in check that she probably had let them build up quite a bit on the inside. As much as he'd been hurt by her, it didn't make it any easier for him to see her hurting.

“Thanks.” she said, when she pulled away from him.

“For what?”

“For the hug. I really needed it.”

He gave her a small smile. “I still love you, Em. Things are just rough right now. For both of us.” he added.

“I need to ask you something.” she said. “Just so I know what I'm up against. Is it that I slept with someone and kept the whole baby thing from you, or is it more that it was Randy that I was with?”

AJ sighed and scratched his head. “Well I don't like either one but to be perfectly honest, I do think if it had been anyone other than Randy I might have an easier time with it.”

Emily nodded. “But you know I love you, not him, right?”

“I know you love me, I'm not sure that you don't still love him.”

“Well, what can I do to show you that I don't?”

“I don't think there's a way for you to prove it, I think we just have to try and move past it.”

Emily didn't really like that answer. If there wasn't a way she could show him she wasn't in love with Randy, that would mean that while he might be able to let it go, he'd never be able to forget about it.

That night, they went to bed together but they might as well have been sleeping in separate beds they were so far apart from each other. It was a far cry from the way they used to sleep, all snuggled up together. Emily had no idea she could feel so alone with someone else in her bed.

The awkwardness continued for the next week. AJ was trying but he just couldn't get past his wife being with the doctor. Every time they talked, it was always in the back of his mind. He was worried that she had all these secret feelings for Randy and that every time something happened she'd go running to him to feel better.

Emily was pretty much about to give up trying to make things better. She'd been acting her ass off all week, pretending things were fine but AJ was being totally stubborn. She had one last idea to save her marriage but she wasn't sure AJ was going to go for it.

AJ was in the office typing an e-mail when she went to talk to him.

“I have an idea.” she said, sitting down.

“Oh yeah? What's that?”

“Well, how would you feel about taking a vacation together next week for my birthday?”

AJ thought for a moment. Things were still so awkward he wasn't sure a vacation together would be that much fun. On the other hand, it might be just what they both needed.

“Yeah, alright, I guess we could do that.”

“You guess? I mean do you want to or not? I don't want to force you to go...”

“Relax, I want to go, I promise!” he said.

“Good. Anywhere you want to go?” she asked.

“How about Mexico? Maybe Cancun?” he suggested.

Emily smiled. “That sounds good to me! I love any place with sun, sand and ocean!”

“Alright, I'll make the plans tonight.” he said.

“I can do it for you if you want.”

“Emily, I'm not going to make you plan your birthday vacation!” he said. “I'll do it.”

“Ok!” Emily said, feeling hopeful for the first time in a week.