Chapter 43

Emily got home late that night. It was hard for her to walk into their house without him but she knew she had done the right thing. As painful as it had been to leave, she had no regrets about doing it. She set her bags down inside the front door and flipped on the light. She stopped as she walked past the living room. She turned and walked in, turning on the light. There, right by the window, sat her birthday present.

AJ had bought her a brand new baby grand piano and had it delivered while they were gone, complete with a big red bow on the lid. She walked over to inspect it, running her hands over the shiny black wood and saw a card from him.


I thought it was about time you had one of these. And this way you can stop sneaking into

my studio to use the keyboard every time you want to play something! (Yes, I knew about that...). Here's to us making even more beautiful music together! Happy Birthday.

AJ


Emily couldn't bring herself to play it. She didn't want to hear the sound of the keys, she was already in enough pain. She sat down on the bench and for the first time since she'd left the hotel, she cried. Obviously he still loved her. A guy didn't buy his wife a beautiful, top of the line piano if he didn't love her. But if he loved her, how had he been able to let her go? All he needed to do was to tell her that he would forgive her but he couldn't.

After she cried for awhile, she stood up and left, turning the light out behind her. She thought about going to bed but she knew there was no way she'd ever be able to sleep. For the first time, she realized a major downside to being married to an alcoholic was that there was never any liquor in the house when you really needed a drink. She unpacked all her things and put everything away and then she took a long shower in an attempt to wash away the day. Then she went into her hobby room, or her girlie studio as AJ liked to call it, and sat down in her chair to think. It was the only room in the house that didn't remind her of AJ because he never went in there. She got out a pad of paper and a pen and made a list of all the things she needed to think about in order to collect her thoughts.

She needed to decide what she really wanted. If AJ were to show up tomorrow, what exactly would she tell him she was doing? Was she leaving him for good? She decided she was not yet ready to for it to come to that. She knew that if they still loved each other, she couldn't flat out give up now. Not while there was still love between them. No, she decided what she needed was just a break. She felt the best thing for them right now was to separate and not see each other for awhile, maybe not even talk.

That being decided, was she going to stay in the house and ask him to leave, or was she going to leave? She loved their house and would hate to move out, but at the same time, she knew she'd never really get a break from him if she was constantly surrounded by memories of him everywhere in the house. Ultimately, she needed to find another place to live. Her head began to hurt as she thought of all the things she would need to take care of. She needed to find an apartment, she needed to pack her things, she still had yet to get a job and she still needed to talk to AJ again when he got back to at least tell him she just wanted a break for now, not a divorce. If he cared.


AJ felt numb as he sat on the balcony to their room and stared out at the ocean. He was so confused that he just didn't know what he was even feeling at the moment. Part of him felt relieved that he didn't have to pretend everything was ok anymore but there was an even bigger part of him that felt hollow with Emily gone and he knew that feeling would never go away as long as she was gone. AJ wanted his wife back, but he didn't know how to forgive her. It wasn't that he didn't want to. He realized that if he could, everything would be better, he just couldn't seem to do it. When they'd made love the other night, he just couldn't stop thinking about her being with Randy. He'd wondered how they'd done it, if he'd touched her here, kissed her there, if she liked it, if she was picturing herself with him at that very moment. He couldn't make the thoughts stop and in AJ's bed, three was always a crowd.


The next morning, Emily got dressed and began to take care of business. She went to the rental office of the apartment complex she'd lived in before she and AJ moved in to the house to inquire about leasing another apartment. She was in luck, they had one empty apartment but she wouldn't be able to move into it for a week because it still needed to be cleaned and painted. She called Leighanne on her way home.

Hey Emily, are you still in Mexico?”

Um, no, I came home late last night.”

Is everything ok? I thought you were supposed to be there for a few more days.”

Well, things didn't exactly work out the way I'd hoped.” Emily admitted.

What do you mean?”

Emily sighed. “Look, do you think you could meet me at my house? I kind of need your help.”

Sure. I'll be there in about an hour, is that ok?”

An hour would be great.” Emily said.

While she waited on Leighanne, Emily began to pack up some of her things. Deciding what to take was harder than she thought as she realized she couldn't take everything but would need to furnish her apartment for the time she was there. She took a few dishes, some pans, a few towels and blankets along with some of her clothes and personal items.

When Leighanne walked in, she saw the few boxes by the door and took it as a very bad sign.

What's going on?” she asked.

AJ and I are going to separate for awhile.” Emily said.

What? Why?” Leighanne asked, surprised.

Things just weren't working anymore, he's not ready to forgive me yet and I couldn't do it anymore.”

So, AJ's still there?” she asked.

Emily shrugged. “I guess so. I haven't heard from him.”

Where are you going to live?”

Well, I rented an apartment at my old complex but I can't move in for a week so I figured I'd just go and stay in a hotel until then. It'll give me time to get some furniture anyway.”

Why don't you come stay at my house?”

Because I'm not going to come crash your house every time I have a problem! You guys have your own lives to live and it might start to confuse Baylee.”

Baylee is in Kentucky all week. Come on, you don't really want to be all alone, do you?”

Well, I don't know what else I would have expected by leaving my husband...” Emily said, sarcastically.

Oh come on, don't be stubborn. Please?”

Emily had to smile. It did sound much more inviting than a cold hotel room. “Ok fine. But only for a week.”

Only for a week!” Leighanne agreed.

Leighanne helped Emily pack her things and load up her car. Leighanne called Brian on the way home to update him. Brian was not very impressed with this latest development and Leighanne had to work very hard to keep him from calling AJ.


When Emily had all her stuff put away that afternoon, she went down to the kitchen to look for something to eat for lunch and ran into Brian raiding the ice cream.

Oh...hey.” Emily said.

Hi.” He set down his ice cream.

Everything ok?” Emily asked, giving him a weird look.

Could we talk for a minute?”

Sure.” Emily said, wondering what had gotten into Brian.

What are you doing?”

Emily gave him a weird look. “Getting something to eat....”

No, I mean what are you doing? With AJ?”

Oh, that. Taking a break.”

Brian sighed. “But you guys are married now, doesn't that mean anything to you?”

Yes, of course it does! What exactly are you trying to say?”

You can't just take a break every time you two get into a big fight, that isn't how a marriage is supposed to work. You guys need to learn to stick it out and work through it, not run away from it.”

Is that what you think I did?” Emily said, angrily.

You're here, aren't you?”

Leighanne walked in just then and saw the two of them glaring at each other.

What's going on, guys?” she asked, looking from one to the other.

You really think AJ and I just got into an argument and I got mad and left him? Jesus, Brian! I didn't know you thought so lowly of me!”

All I'm trying to say is that maybe you just need to try harder. Learn to communicate better with each other.”

Brian....” Leighanne started.

Emily held her hand up to stop Leighanne from interfering.

Maybe it would help you if I told you exactly what happened in Mexico and then you can tell me what it is I should have done.”

Ok then, tell me!” Brian said, crossing his arms.

Well first we had terrible sex. Then, at my birthday dinner, he invited his ex girlfriend Kate, who just happened to be there, to eat with us. Then, right in front of me, they flirted with each other and talked to each other and ignored me the whole time. Then when I said I was tired and wanted to go to our room, he told me to go ahead and he'd see me later. On my birthday! He stayed down with his old girlfriend on my birthday, Brian! Then, I saw them having a very intimate looking lunch together the next day and then we got into a big fight and do you know what he said to me? He said that the reason the sex was so bad was because he's disgusted by me. I disgust him so much that he didn't even want to touch me! He told me he didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive me and then to finish it off, he told me that I should be sure to tell Randy hi when I go crawling to him for some comfort like I always do. Now, you tell me Brian, what exactly should I have done?”

Brian was stunned. He knew AJ was stubborn, and he knew Emily was stubborn, and he just kind of figured they'd butted heads and neither one of them refused to give a little. He'd had no idea what things had really been like between them lately.

He scratched his head and tried to think of a way to dig himself out of the deep hole he'd just gotten into. “I uh...well, to be perfectly honest, I probably would have hit him.”

Emily chuckled. “Actually I did.”

You did?” Brian looked surprised.

Yeah, I smacked him in the face. I'm not proud of it, it was a heat of the moment reaction.”

Well, I think he probably deserved it.” Brian said. “So Kate was really there?”

Yeah. All over him.”

She was always really good at messing with his head.”

I don't think she had anything to do with it, this has been building ever since he moved back home after he found out. Look, I don't want to leave him but I can't live like that. I can not stay in a relationship where he's going to hold this over my head. I'm completely willing to work on it but he isn't even willing to try anymore. What else am I supposed to do?”

I'm sorry Emily. I really am, I had no idea.” Brian said, looking genuinely apologetic.

It's ok. But in all seriousness, if you have any suggestions......”

Yeah, I only handle simple problems. I'm not good with the complicated stuff. Leigh?”

Leighanne laughed. “Got me. I think AJ just needs his ass kicked.”

Emily laughed.


AJ realized that things were not going to get solved with him sulking in Cancun, so the day after Emily left, he went home too. His plane landed just after dinner and he was anxious to get home and talk to Emily. He didn't know what he was going to say yet, he just knew he needed to talk to her. He didn't want to leave things the way he had. There were no lights on in the house when the cab driver dropped him off and as soon as he walked in the house, he could practically sense the change. He knew as soon as he set foot inside his house that Emily was gone. Just like she'd said she'd be.

He took a deep breath and decided he wasn't going to let that stop him from talking to her. She was his wife and he wasn't about to give up. He tried her cell phone but she'd turned it off, he assumed so she wouldn't have to talk to him. He had a feeling if anyone knew where she'd be, it would be Leighanne, so he tried her.

Hello?” she answered, sounding rather irritated.

Leighanne, it's AJ.” he said.

I know.”

AJ sighed. Obviously Emily had talked to her. “Look, I really need to talk to Emily. Do you know where she is?”

I might.”

Could you please tell me?”

Maybe.”

I need to talk to her so could you please cut the crap and tell me if my wife is with you or not?”

Leighanne smiled as she enjoyed being a little bitchy to him. “Yes, she is.”

Thank you. Please don't tell her I'm coming ok?”

Are you going to be nice to her?”

I plan to.” he said.

Ok. Then I won't tell her.”

Who was that?” Brian asked when she hung up.

Brace yourself, World War Three might begin right here in our house in about thirty minutes.” Leighanne said.

Brian looked confused.

AJ's coming over to talk to Emily, he doesn't want her to know.”

Brian's eyes got wide. “We should probably get some rations together and take shelter in the basement.” he joked.

Making ourself scarce might not be a bad idea.” she said. “But maybe someplace where we can at least listen!”

Leighanne, we can't spy on them!”

Why not? It's our house!”


Leighanne met AJ out front to let him in. “She's up in the guest room.” she said.

Thanks.” AJ said, going up the steps, trying to shake his nerves as he did so.

He knocked on her door.

Emily assumed it was Brian or Leighanne and went ahead and told them to come in. She was hanging up some clothes when he walked in and she was so shocked to see him that she dropped the hanger and froze.

Hi.” he said, shutting the door behind him.

What are you doing here?”

I want to talk to you.”

Why?”

Because I didn't want to leave things the way we did.”

Which way, exactly?”

AJ sighed. “Look, I'm really sorry for what I said to you. I know I was way out of line.”

Yes, you were.”

I'm sorry I ruined our trip and your birthday.” he said.

Emily put her hands on her hips and waited for him to continue.

Come on, Em. You can't give up on me!”

It's not like I want to!” she said. “But I really don't know what else to do. I have done all that I can to fix us. Now it's completely up to you. You know what you need to do.”

I know. I promise, I'm going to try really hard. Please come home.”

Emily shook her head. “No, I think it's better if we have some space for a little while.”

Why?”

Because you and I both know that it wasn't working. I think maybe we just need some time to heal.”

So, you're just going to stay here then?”

I rented an apartment. I'm moving in next week.”

AJ realized now that she was more than serious about leaving him. “You got an apartment?”

Yes. Look, I'm really not trying to hurt you, it's just that you and I both know something had to change. I'm very sorry that I hurt you but until you accept that I never meant for it to happen the way that it did and you can forgive me, we can't move forward.”

AJ was quiet for a bit as he looked down at his hands. He knew she was right, he just didn't like it. “So...if we can work this out, you'll come home?”

Of course. I'm not walking out on you, I'm just...pausing...or something like that.”

AJ laughed. “Hitting the pause button on us.”

Yeah. So, you know, whenever you're ready to hit play, you know where to find me.”

AJ nodded. “Look, I know you didn't mean to hurt me with the whole Randy thing, it's just that you did and it's going to take some time.”

Ok.” Emily said.

I should get going.” he said. “Will you....call me if you need anything?”

Emily nodded. “Same goes for you. And make sure you take care of yourself!”

AJ smiled. “Don't worry. I'll still be sober when you come home.”


Chapter 44

Brian was waiting outside by AJ's car when he left.

Hey Bri.” AJ said.

Brian glared at him and AJ prepared himself for an ass chewing.

I told you I didn't want to see you hurt her again.” he said.

Yes, you did.”

So, what do you have to say for yourself?”

AJ crossed his arms. “Is this really any of your business?”

Well, I kind of make it my business every time I have to take care of your wife because you're too much of an idiot to do it yourself.”

Look, this is a really complicated situation and I really doubt you've ever had to deal with anything like it in your marriage.”

Maybe not but that might be because I'm not stubborn and bull-headed like you are.”

AJ sighed. “Brian, look, I appreciate you looking out for her but I don't really think you're being fair here. You don't understand!”

I understand perfectly! You got your ego bruised and you can't get over it. Poor AJ whose wife didn't wait for him, right? Poor AJ whose wife kept a painful secret to protect her marriage.”

Dammit I know I'm fucking everything up, ok?” AJ snapped. “How do I fix it? How do I let it go? I can't get it out of my head. I can't make love to my wife because when I do I picture her being with another man. Do you know what that's like? I'm terrified that she loves someone else, that she thinks I'm weak, that I'm not good enough for her anymore. Do you have any idea what that's like? Tell me. How do I make it stop?”

I don't know. But treating her like crap isn't the answer.”

Jesus, I know that already! Could you for once step down from your high horse and help me solve the problem instead of pointing out what I already know?”

Look, I'd love to fix this for you but I can't. And the reason I can't is because you are the only one who can. And you know that, which is why you're so angry, because you don't know how yet. But I know you and I know how much you love her so I know you will work your ass off to find a way. Take this time apart from her to do some serious thinking. Think about why you're so insecure about her, decide whether or not that's valid. You need to realize how much your wife loves you. You need to realize she looks to you to be her strength, she does not see you as weak. She needs you just like you need her. And most importantly, you need to forgive yourself first. If you can do that, then you can realize all that stuff and then you can forgive her.”

AJ hated the way Brian was always so wise and insightful. And always right.

Thanks, man.” AJ said.

Anytime. Hey, call me tomorrow, ok? We'll go shoot some hoops or something.”

Yeah, I will.”


The next morning after breakfast, Leighanne knocked on Emily's door.

Hey! Come in, I was just checking my e-mail.” she said.

Leighanne walked in and sat down on the bed. “I kind of have something a little awkward and uncomfortable to tell you.” she said.

Emily turned to face her. “What is it?”

Leighanne cleared her throat. “My sister Amanda is coming over for dinner tonight and she's bringing the guy she's been seeing.”

Ok, so why is that awkward?” Emily asked, perplexed about what Leighanne was getting at.

Emily, my sister has been seeing Randy.”

Emily's jaw dropped as she was taken completely by surprise, then she laughed. “Why didn't you just tell me?”

Leighanne relaxed a little. “I was afraid you might be upset about it at first, but it was just, you know, he's such a good guy and I really thought my sister could use someone like him and, well, you know how I can't stay out of those kinds of things.”

I think it's great, really. I'm happy he's getting a chance to find someone to be with. He deserves it and I'm glad it's with someone great like your sister.”

Really? You're not upset?”

No, I mean I'll admit it is a little weird but I'm honestly not upset.”

Good. She really seems to like him, and really, who could blame her?” Leighanne said.

How long have they been seeing each other?”

I set them up the weekend you were in New York. I think it's only just now become more serious though.”

Does she know about everything between he and I?”

I actually don't know. I mean I didn't tell her that because I thought it was pretty private but I don't know if he's told her. I only told her that you dated him before getting back with AJ.”

Emily cringed at the mention of AJ. “Now there's a potential problem. AJ is not going to be happy about Randy being around here.”

Leighanne laughed. “I thought of that, and honestly, right now I'm taking a little bit of pleasure in that.”

Emily smiled. “Yeah, karma is pretty funny isn't it?”

So anyway, Amanda doesn't know yet that you're staying here. I haven't talked much to her in a few days and I wanted you to be prepared before they come over tonight so you weren't totally caught off guard by it.”

Emily nodded. “I think I'll just hide out up here then.”

You don't have to do that!”

Well I think it would be a bit awkward if Randy's ex-girlfriend was at dinner. Believe me, I know what that's like!”

Good point. Well, we won't be here long. Mandy and I are going to a party together after dinner, but tonight was the only night that worked for all four of us.”

Emily laughed to herself as Leighanne left. She never would have imagined Randy getting together with Leighanne's sister. For some strange, cosmic reason, their paths kept crossing for one reason or another.


Before dinner, Emily hid her car in the garage and made herself a sandwich in preparation to hide out upstairs for the evening. She heard the doorbell ring and she cracked her door open a little, unable to resist the temptation to do a little eavesdropping. She had to admit that it felt really strange to hear Randy's voice when she wasn't the one talking to him. He sounded happy, maybe a little nervous even. She watched a movie and after a few hours, she heard them leave. Emily was still hungry so she decided to go downstairs and see if there were any leftovers. Brian was in the kitchen getting a beer out of the fridge.

Hey Brian. Is it safe to come out of hiding now?” she joked.

Emily, is that you?” Randy appeared from the living room.

Emily cringed and turned around.

Oh hey Randy!” she said. “Sorry, I didn't know you were still here!”

Yeah, he's hanging around to watch the basketball game.” Brian quickly explained. “Mandy and Leighanne had some party to go to.”

Oh that's right! So, uh...how was dinner?”

Randy still looked baffled by Emily's presence.

I don't mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?” he asked.

Oh, well I'm um...just staying here for the week.”

Randy took one look at her face and correctly assumed what had happened. “I'm sorry.” he said.

Don't be.” Emily said. “It's not your problem.”

Brian hung back while they talked. While part of him felt like he was intruding, another part of him wasn't sure he wanted to leave them alone together, if for no other reason than if AJ or even Mandy found out they'd seen each other, he could testify to the fact that nothing happened.

So...how have you been?” he asked.

Ok. Been a little better.” she admitted. “How about you?”

I've been pretty good.” he said.

Emily grinned. “Would that have anything to do with Amanda?”

Randy smiled. “Yeah, you might say that.”

Good. I'm glad for you both.”

Thanks.” he said, a bit awkwardly.

So, how are things at the office? Does Margie know you have a new girlfriend yet?”

Who's Margie?” Brian asked.

Margie is the head receptionist and a huge gossip queen. She loves getting pieces of hot new information.” Randy said. “And to answer your question, she has suspicions but she hasn't been able to confirm them yet.”

Emily laughed. “That must be driving her nuts!”

I suppose so.” he took a swig of his beer. “So how are things working out for you at the free clinic?”

Uhh...yeah, I kind of got asked to resign.” Emily admitted.

What?! Why?” Randy was shocked. Emily was a great nurse, he couldn't imagine anyone not wanting to keep her around.

Well, I kind of....got a little physical with an abusive mother.”

You did what?” Brian asked.

Leighanne didn't tell you?”

No, she just said you'd quit your job!”

You got physical with an abusive mother?” Randy asked, very intrigued.

Yeah. She got up in my face, I shoved her pretty hard and knocked her down. She had it coming. I really didn't like it there anyway, it was very depressing.”

Damn, Emily! I didn't know you had that in you!” Randy said.

Oh I think you'd be surprised.” Brian said, winking at Emily.

So, I'm not working right now. I sent out a few applications today to some offices. We'll see what happens.”

Well, if you need any letters of recommendation or anything, let me know. I'd be happy to help.” he offered.

Thanks. I had to put you down as a reference anyway. Well actually both of you.” she said. “Funny...two of my old bosses hanging out together.”

Brian laughed. “I never really thought of myself as your boss.”

The three of them were quiet for a moment. “Well, I'll let you two guys get back to your game.” she said.

Alright, good to see you Emily. Take care, ok?”

Yup. You too.” Emily quickly escaped back up to her room.

Wow. That was awkward.” Randy said, sitting down next to Brian on the couch.

Yeah.” Brian said, flipping on the game.


AJ sat down on the couch with a glass of water and thought about what Brian had said to him. That maybe the reason he couldn't forgive Emily was because he couldn't forgive himself. AJ really felt like he'd hit the nail on the head with that statement and he couldn't believe he hadn't realized that himself.

He went over all the things that made him so upset with Emily and realized that they could all be attributed to his own insecurities. Emily might have been able to let him off the hook, but he couldn't seem to let himself off the hook. He'd let her down big time. He wasn't there for her, he'd been weak and many times downright cruel. If he'd never started drinking, he'd never have gone to rehab and Emily never would have thought he left her therefore she never would have slept with Randy in the first place. He knew she never would have even considered it if he'd been around, if things had been good between them. And now, to top it all off, AJ felt terrible that he'd been blaming Emily all this time when really, the one he was so angry with was himself. He knew better than to tackle this problem by himself so he picked up the phone and called his counselor Mark from the rehab center. Mark was with someone just then so his receptionist put AJ down for an appointment and said Mark would call him in a few hours.

He stayed close to the phone and picked it up as soon as it rang.

AJ, it's Mark!”

Hey man. Thanks for calling.” AJ said.

Are you ok?”

Mostly. I'm totally clean, if that's what you're asking.”

That's good. What's going on?”

AJ explained in detail everything that had been going on with Emily up to his latest revelations about blaming himself for it all.

So what do you think?” he asked, when he was done.

I think Brian had it right. You're on the right track with this.”

But, I just don't know what to do with that information. I mean how exactly does a person just tell themselves that what they did doesn't matter?”

You're not saying it doesn't matter, you're saying it's forgiven. It's over, in the past, you took care of it, you'll be better from now on. Give yourself a break, AJ. You realized you had a problem again and you took care of it. You came to all our sessions fully prepared to work which is more than I can say for a lot of the people I see here. You are a completely different person now. The old AJ is gone. You can't change what he did. Think of it as two different people. The new AJ kicked the old AJ's ass. He took care of business to right the wrongs of the old AJ.”

AJ laughed. “I just can't help thinking if I'd never fucked up none of this would be happening.”

What happened to your new spiritual thinking? Everything happens for a reason, that's what you told me when you left here. We won't always know the reasons right away but maybe it happened so you can be a stronger person. Maybe your marriage had to break down so it can be even stronger. Who knows? You just have to know that there IS a reason and put your faith in that.”

AJ felt a lot better after he hung up with Mark. They had talked for about an hour and AJ felt like he had some more clarity.


Chapter 45

The rest of the week went fairly quickly for Emily. She had a job interview for a pediatrician who was starting up a new practice very close to her and AJ's house. Her name was Dr. Keaton and she seemed to have some very innovative ideas for the way she wanted her practice run. Dr. Keaton was apparently very impressed with the way Glenview Pediatrics was run and wanted to simulate that environment and was absolutely thrilled that Emily had worked there. So much so that she told Emily she could start working full time and whenever she wanted to cut her hours she was more than welcome to do so. Dr. Keaton also wanted to have a staff that was happy with their jobs so she had planned to offer more flexible shifts and excellent benefits. She told Emily she'd gotten a very glowing recommendation from Dr. Brown which apparently he rarely gives. Emily accepted the job the same day.

On Monday, Brian helped Emily get her things settled into her apartment while Leighanne met Brian's parents at the airport as they brought Baylee home and would stay a few days. She spent the day putting her few possessions away and waited for the furniture she'd rented to be delivered.

She was spending Tuesday morning watching tv when her cell phone rang. AJ was calling her.

Hello?” she tried not to sound too nervous.

Hey. It's me.”

How are you?” she asked.

I'm pretty good. How are you?”

I'm ok. What's up?”

I want to talk to you. Could we meet up sometime today?”

Sure, when is a good time?”

Could I come over now?” he asked.

Yeah, now would be fine.” she said. She gave him her apartment number and went to go get dressed. Her doorbell rang about fifteen minutes later.

Emily smiled as she opened the door. He looked nice, wearing jeans and a tight fitting black, button-up shirt. And he smelled good too, Emily noticed as he walked in.

New cologne?” she asked.

Do you like it?”

I like it a lot, actually. Where'd you get it?”

I got it at the mall yesterday.”

Well, have a seat.” she said, gesturing to the small couch.

Is this apartment smaller than the one you had before?” he asked, looking around.

Yeah, a little bit. Pretty cozy, huh?”

I'd say so.”

So how are things?” she asked as they sat down next to each other.

Emily, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.” he said, playing with his hands.

About what?” Emily asked, anxious to find out what he wanted.

Well, Brian said something to me that really got me thinking. He said that maybe the reason I couldn't forgive you was because I couldn't forgive myself.”

Emily was silent while she waited for him to continue.

And I think he was right about that.” AJ went on. “I hadn't realized it until then but the one I was the most upset with is me because deep down I knew that if I hadn't fucked it all up, none of that stuff would have even happened.”

Yeah but it isn't your fault...” she started.

Well, indirectly, yes it is. So I've been working really hard to get through that. I've been talking with Mark over the phone some and I'm starting to accept that there's a reason all this has happened and that the most important thing is to make the most of it, which I wouldn't be doing by staying mad at myself.”

So, you're saying you were never mad at me, you were mad at yourself?” Emily asked, a little confused.

Oh I was plenty mad at you, don't get me wrong, but the reason I couldn't let it go was because everything I was mad about played right into all my insecurities from being mad at myself. Does that make sense?”

Emily nodded as she thought about it. “So you got mad and basically everything that happened validated all your self-caused insecurities because you felt like you let yourself down?”

Pretty much.”

I understand you probably already had some insecurities about Randy from the beginning and I'm sorry that I all but validated them....” she said.

Well, I guess so but since you don't work for him anymore I don't think it's going to be an issue.”

Emily cleared her throat. “Well, I'm not so sure about that.” she said.

Why?” AJ asked.

Apparently, Randy is dating Leighanne's sister Amanda.”

No shit!” AJ said, sounding almost as surprised as Emily was.

Yeah. So look, it's not like I plan on being around them or anything but...I mean there probably will be a time when it will happen like on holidays and things. And I need to know that you'll be able to trust me when that time comes and not get all jealous.”

Well, I don't really like the fact that he'll be around but I guess there isn't anything I can do about it, and I do trust you. I suppose I'll just have to get over it.”

So....now what happens?” she asked, still unsure what all this meant.

Well now I apologize again. I know I've been a total, unforgiving jerk to you and I'm sorry. Words can't express how sorry I am for everything.”

Emily squeezed his hand. “Words might not but actions certainly do.”

AJ nodded. “I know. That's why I wanted to ask you to do something with me.”

What?”

I want to go see Dr. Murphy again together.”

You want to go back to marriage counseling?” she asked, surprised.

Yeah. I want to make sure we get this completely ironed out so that it never has to come up again. Do you think that's something you can do?”

Of course. I start working next week but if you make evening appointments I can come whenever, and anytime this week will work too.”

You got a job?”

Yes I did! There's a pediatrician, her name is Dr. Keaton, she's starting up her own practice and leaving the group she's a part of. She has some really great ideas and she said I can pretty much have whatever hours I want. So next week I'm going to help get the clinic all set up and she's doing a staff orientation and then the following week we start seeing patients.”

That's great! I'm really happy for you!”

Thanks.” she said, smiling at him. “What about you? Don't you have to start recording your album soon?”

Not for a few more weeks.”

In New York?”

AJ grinned. “Yes, in New York. Don't worry, I'm not going to LA. I'm actually subletting a kick-ass place overlooking the park. I got it from a friend of a friend kind of thing, he's off in London until Christmas.”

That sounds very cool!” Emily said.

Yeah, it should be. Anyway, I should get going. I'll call you later and let you know when our appointment is.”

Emily nodded. “Ok. I guess I'll talk to you later then.”

They stood up and walked to the door where they stopped and stared at each other for a minute. AJ pulled her into a long hug and Emily closed her eyes and inhaled his scent.

I miss you.” he said.

I miss you too.” she admitted.

Well...bye.” he said, finally letting her go.

I'll talk to you later.” she said.


AJ called a few hours later to tell her they'd gotten an appointment to see Dr. Murphy the very next morning at nine due to a last minute cancellation. Emily told him she would meet him there.

The next morning, Emily woke up feeling nervous. While she didn't expect it to be a brawl like their last sessions had been, she did expect it to be very tough emotionally as they both had a lot of things to put on the table. She felt hopeful at AJ's latest attempt to make things better but she wasn't going to kid herself into thinking it would be that easy. She knew she couldn't just take his apology and be done.

AJ was looking nervous himself when she met him in the waiting room. He so wanted this to work, he was fed up with the way things had been and he just wanted to work it all out so he could go back to having a happy marriage and so his wife would move back home.

Finally, Dr. Murphy came out to get them.

Well, I must say I'm surprised to see the two of you here.” she said. “What's been going on?”

AJ and Emily both laughed at the same time.

That much, huh?”

Definitely.” Emily said.

Well, Emily why don't you start off from the last time I saw you. You were worried that AJ was drinking again, if you wouldn't mind picking up from there.”

Emily took a deep breath and summarized all the events from thinking he'd left her, sleeping with Randy, rehab, the baby, AJ finding out, Mexico. It took quite awhile to explain and Dr. Murphy honestly looked shocked.

I must say, I do this for a living and even I'm shocked by all of it.” she laughed. “In all seriousness though, you two should be proud of yourselves for sticking it through, even though you both know it could have been handled better. I've seen couples split over a lot less. I have a good feeling about you two if you're both willing to do the work this time.” she said, looking at both of them.

Emily and AJ both nodded.

Dr. Murphy took her time talking to each of them, asking more questions about what happened and what their feelings were at the time. She really needed to get a good grasp on everything that happened in order to help them sort it out. By the time she had it all down their session had ended.

Could you both come back Friday morning?” she asked.

Sure.” Emily said.

Works for me.” AJ agreed.

Great! I'll see you at nine on Friday then. And I have an assignment for the two of you in the meantime. I'd like you to bring a list with you of everything you need worked out before you can feel at peace with everything.”

Emily and AJ both agreed and walked out together.

AJ walked her to her car, neither one of them quite knowing what they should say.

Well, thanks for coming here.” he said, finally.

You don't have to thank me, I wanted to be here.”

So...I'll see you Friday?”

Emily nodded. “I'll be here.”

He opened her car door for her and once she was in, he walked over to his own car and got in. He was starting to get really tired of going home without Emily.


Emily was feeling pretty good when she went home and decided to put off working on her list until tomorrow, fearing it would put a damper on her mood. For the first time since New York, she really felt like AJ was honestly trying and that things were going to get better very soon if he kept this up.

AJ walked into his empty house and tossed the keys on the counter. He felt bad for Emily having to go home to that tiny apartment every day while he got to stay in the house. Not that he was particularly enjoying staying in the large house all by himself, but at least he had the comforts of home. He felt really good about their appointment with Dr. Murphy. While they had both seemed nervous, neither one of them seemed to walk in their carrying their anger. AJ knew he was ready to move on and he could sense Emily was as well. Maybe she'd been right all along. Maybe they had just needed some more time apart to be able to work through this.

After smoking a cigarette out back, he sat down at his desk and began working on his list. What exactly did he need worked out before he could leave this all behind? He needed forgiveness for his actions. From his drinking, the way he handled going to rehab and the way he'd been acting since he found out about Randy. But more important than her forgiveness, he needed to know that she was really going to leave it in the past. Several times since this mess had started Emily had mentioned how much she'd forgiven of him and how unfair it was that he got let off the hook but he wouldn't let her off the hook. He wondered if she really had forgiven him or if she was just trying to forget about it. In situations like these, there was a huge difference. He needed to know that she wasn't always going to hide resentment over all of this because he needed to know that she trusted him completely. That no matter what might happen between them, he would always stick around to work on it, even if it meant they had to take some time apart, it would always be temporary. He hoped to God this was the last time they had to be apart. He couldn't imagine going through anything worse than what they'd already been dealing with. But if Emily didn't realize that he would never leave her, that he could never stop loving her, he couldn't deal with that. He couldn't have her doubting her love for him.

There was one other thing he needed. A rather important thing. He needed to be able to make love to his wife without picturing her being with another man. Especially if this man was now dating Leighanne's sister and would inevitably be around with the holidays quickly approaching.

AJ ran his fingers through his hair. Just thinking about being with Emily made him hard in an instant. He knew this wasn't something he'd be able to work out in Dr. Murphy's office. This was something he'd need to work out on his own. As he thought about it, he felt some type of carnal instinct take over. He knew what he needed to do. He had to claim his wife back as his own and there was only one way he could think of to do that. Very similar to the way a dog marks his territory, AJ needed to sleep with his wife to prove that she was in fact his for the keeping.



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"Realize" is a work of fiction.
The characters and events portrayed are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

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