Chapter 19

Randy woke up a few hours later and found Emily staring at him.

“Are you ok?” he asked, sleepily.

Emily nodded. “I'm sorry.” she said.

“For what?” propped his head up with his arm.

“I....well, for using you I guess.”

Randy smiled. “I'd hardly call it painful.”

Emily grinned. “Well, maybe not and forgive me if this seems presumptuous and egotistical of me but in my head, you loved me and I broke your heart. You managed to move on and get over it and here I am back at your door begging you to have sex with me just so I can feel better. It was completely selfish of me and I didn't take into account how it might make you feel.”

Randy leaned over and kissed her forehead.

“You're right about part of it. Yes, I loved you and you broke my heart.” Emily winced. “And for the most part I did move on. But I don't feel used. At the risk of sounding pathetic I'll take any ounce of you I can get. I'm not putting my life on hold waiting or anything, I know there's another love out there for me and I'll find her but until I do, at least I get to have little stolen moments with you.”

“You're right, you are pathetic.” Emily laughed.

Randy pulled his pillow out from under his head and swung it at her.

Emily squealed as she ducked. “Ok, ok! I was just kidding!” she laughed.

“Do you want to stay the night?” he asked.

“Would that be hard for you?” she asked, trying to be sensitive to the fact that he still had feelings for her, feelings which she could not return. She imagined that would be hard to handle given that he'd just made love to her.

“Emily, please don't worry about me. I want to worry about you right now. I'm 35 years old, I am capable of dealing with my emotions without getting all caught up in them.”

“Yeah, well, I'm married to a 30 year old who is most certainly not capable so you'll have to excuse my uncertainty. Besides, if I had feelings for a guy who didn't return them for me, sleeping with him would be like self torture! It'd only make my feelings worse which would only make my misery worse.”

“Well, you know, maybe you're right. Maybe I will feel worse tomorrow. But that's for me to deal with. Not you. So stop feeling guilty. Besides, are you sure you're really feeling guilty for how I feel or is it something else?”

“What, you mean do I feel guilty for having an affair? Yes. I do. Happy?” she said, looking away.

“No. I'm not happy.” he said.

“I keep going back and forth. He left me, so you know, it's not like I really cheated but technically, yes I'm still married to him and part of me feels like I owe it to him to honor my vows until it's officially over.”

“Just like he honored his vows to you?”

“Well, I'd like to think I'm a better person than he.” Emily answered.

“Look, don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't betray him or your marriage. He did. End of story.”

“Yeah, I wish it were as simple as that.” she said.

“Me too.”

Randy grabbed his boxers from the floor and pulled them on before getting up. He grabbed a clean undershirt out of his drawer and tossed it to Emily.

“Here, you can sleep in this.” he said.

She pulled the shirt over her head and got out of bed in search of her own underwear while Randy got cleaned up in the bathroom. She slipped out to use the guest bathroom down the hall and came back to find him straightening the sheets on his bed. She climbed in next to him but they didn't cuddle, they just lay facing each other but not touching.

“I'm sorry you're hurting.” he whispered.

“Me too.” she answered.

“I haven't had a slumber party in quite a long time.” he said.

Emily laughed. “Does it only count as a slumber party if you're not dating the girl?”

“Exactly.”

“Thank you for taking care of me.” she said.

“You're welcome.”

They lay watching each other for a few minutes before Emily finally fell asleep. Once Randy saw that she was sleeping soundly he let himself get some rest as well.

Randy had a hard time sleeping that night, waking up several times with the urge to wrap his arms tightly around Emily but resisting. He'd crossed enough lines for one night. When it was time for him to wake up, he was reluctant to wake her. In her sleep she looked so peaceful. He knew that when he woke her, the peacefulness would end. He let her sleep while he showered and got dressed, waking her just before he had to leave.

“Morning, sunshine.” he said quietly.

Emily slowly opened her eyes. “I never did understand how you manage to be so damn happy this early in the morning.”

Randy smiled. “You get used to it.

Emily sat up and stretched her arms over her head. “Do you have to leave now?”

“In a few minutes. You don't have to leave, you can hang out here awhile if you want.”

Emily shook her head. “I think I just need to go home and get it over with.”

“Will you be ok?”

“I think so. Thanks to you.”

“You don't have to go through this alone, remember that alright? Call me if you need anything.”

“I will. Have a good day at work.”

“Thanks.” he said, leaving the bedroom.

Emily got out of his bed and pulled her clothes on. She was ready to go home and face the day.

As she pulled into the driveway of her house, she was amazed at how different it seemed. The day she and AJ had moved in, the house had seemed so bright and cheerful. Now, even though they hadn't changed a thing to the outside, it seemed dark and empty. The poor dogs were desperate to go outside and she let them out, making a note to give them extra treats for not peeing on the floor while she was gone.

She went upstairs and took a long, hot shower. At the time, being with Randy had probably been exactly what she needed. She just needed to feel wanted by a man after the way AJ had treated her. In the cold, morning daylight however, she didn't feel quite the same way. She had been incredibly selfish when it came to Randy's feelings as well as the fact that she was still married. She decided she ought to cut herself a break. She did feel a little better and she supposed she could have done worse.

Once she was dressed she decided to go to the grocery store. She didn't really have much to eat and had come to the decision that she needed to start taking care of herself by eating and staying active. She filled her cart with all of her favorite comfort foods and lots of frozen dinners. It was just after eleven, once she had all the groceries unloaded and put away, that her cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID but didn't recognize either the number or the area code.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Emily?”

She almost dropped the phone when she heard his voice. She sat down on a bar stool before she fell over.

“AJ?”

“Yeah.” he said. “It's so good to hear your voice!”

“Where the hell are you?” she asked, suddenly over the shock and feeling very angry with him.

“What do you mean, I'm in LA.” he said, sounding confused.

“Yeah, I figured that out when I saw you charged the ticket on our visa bill. What I don't know is what the hell happened to you after that!”

“Didn't they call you?” he asked, slowly as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“Didn't who call me? What the fuck is going on? Are you drunk?”

“No, just the opposite. I've been in rehab.” he said.

Emily froze. “Re...rehab?” she stumbled over the word.

“Yeah. Oh Jesus, they were supposed to have someone call you to let you know I'd checked myself in. I'm sorry, Em.”

“You're sorry?”

“Yeah...I....look, I knew as soon as you confronted me Thursday night that I needed to go. I left in the middle of the night and checked myself in as soon as I got here. I told them to call you and tell you.”

“Why the hell couldn't you have fucking told me yourself?” she shouted into the phone.

“I'm sorry. I just didn't think I was ready to admit it when I left. I just knew I had to go and so I went before I changed my mind.”

“So? That was 5 fucking days ago!”

“I know, Em, look, I wasn't allowed to contact anyone for the first few days. That's why I asked them to let you know.”

“Well no one let me know anything except for the cryptic note and the e-mail you sent me yesterday.”

“Shit. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't even know what to say.”

They were both silent over the phone for a minute as Emily digested what he'd said.

“So, you've been there this whole time?” she asked, finally.

“Yes.”

“Are you....ok?” she asked.

“I will be.” he said. “Are you ok?”

“I honestly don't know right now. I thought that...well I didn't know where you were.”

“Will you come see me? I really want to talk to you and I don't want to do it over the phone. I have a lot to say to you, a lot to apologize for....”

“Are you allowed visitors?”

“I am now. It's a really nice place here. I've got my own little apartment type thing so I have my own space and everything. They have different levels of rehab here. Apparently they seem to think I've got a good enough grip on myself to give me a little more freedom.”

“You don't sound so sure of that.” Emily said.

“It's scary but I know I'm ok. So...will you come?”

Emily swallowed hard and closed her eyes. “Of course.” she said. “I'll get on the first flight I can. Can I call you back at this number?”

“Yeah. I have a few meetings and things, I have a voice mail you can leave me a message and let me know when you'll be here.”

AJ gave her the name of the facility and told her what highway it was off of so she could rent a car and look up directions when she got to LA. When she hung up she buried her face in her hands as she digested everything he'd said to her.

He was in rehab.

He'd been in rehab this whole time.

He had never left her, never walked out on their marriage.

She was, in fact, an adulteress.

He hadn't betrayed her, she had betrayed him. She should have felt relieved to know that it was, in a way, a nightmare after all. She'd been wrong to assume he'd left. But all she could feel at the moment was guilt for having slept with Randy. She took a big breath and wiped her eyes. She couldn't change that fact but she could go and see AJ and work from there. She called the airline and paid a huge amount for a ticket on a flight that left in three hours. She had about twenty minutes to throw some things in a bag, move the dog's food bowls to the back deck so they could stay outside for a day or two, feed the cat, lock everything up and turn on the alarm. She made it to the airport just in time for boarding her plane and before she knew it, she was headed to LA to meet AJ in some fancy rehab facility.

It was early evening when she arrived at La Hacienda, the rehab facility that looked to her more like a five-star resort as she handed her keys to the valet and entered in through the guest doors. In order to protect the privacy of their patients they had Emily write his name down rather than say it aloud. Emily began to wonder what other famous people might be undergoing treatment here. They checked her purse to make sure she hadn't smuggled anything in before escorting her to his condo, or as they called it, villa.

“Are you alright?” the receptionist asked as they walked along the sidewalk. “You look a bit woozy.”

Emily nodded. “I've just....never been here before.”

“Understandable.” the woman said. “Here we are, 2B is just up these stairs on your right.”

Emily thanked her and headed up the stairs.

She stood in front of the door for a minute, trying to keep herself composed.

Finally, she knocked.

AJ opened the door. For a moment, the two just stood there staring at each other before Emily launched into his arms and started crying.

Chapter 20

AJ held her tightly for several minutes, surprised at the intensity of her reaction. In all honesty he had expected more of an angry Emily than a distraught Emily. He had been prepared to duck her punches and be yelled at, he didn't expect this. When she pulled away from him and wiped her eyes, he shut the door behind them and stood there, looking at her again.

“Em....are you alright?”

Emily nodded. “I'm so sorry, AJ. I....well, I thought....”

“You thought what?”

“I thought you'd left me.” she spat out.

AJ was yet again caught off guard. It hadn't even occurred to him that she would think that. He realized immediately he was ignorant not to think that, not after the way things had played out. He guided her over to the small sofa underneath a window that overlooked a sparkling swimming pool.

“I'm so sorry...I just...I didn't know you were here....you said you couldn't do it anymore....you said things were looking up, that you thought it was what you had to do....I jumped to the conclusion that you'd left....God, I'm so sorry....”

AJ held her. “Emily, it's ok. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm so sorry I handled this so poorly. Stop beating yourself up, you didn't know what else to think. I can understand why you must have thought that.”

As AJ held her Emily was once again filled with guilt. The whole flight out she had debated over and over whether or not to confess that she'd been with Randy just the night before. She knew that if she was to tell him, rehab was probably the best place to deliver that kind of blow. But other than clearing her own conscience, she couldn't come up with a reason to tell him. It would only hurt him and set them back yet again as far as trust. There would be no way to make him understand how she felt, the mental anguish she'd been going through. She came to the decision not to tell him. But now that she was here with him her guilt only magnified when she saw the love he had for her in his eyes. Emily knew she had to pull it together, she didn't want him to suspect anything. She took a few deep breaths and sat up.

For the first time since she'd arrived, she studied him. He looked good. Better than he had in weeks. He looked rested and healthy.

“I'm sorry, you don't need to be worrying about me right now.” she said.

AJ smiled. “I've been worried about you nonstop since I got here.”

“Why?”

“I knew you'd be hurt I didn't tell you, of course that was when I thought you knew I was here. I thought you'd be worried to death, I was afraid maybe you'd blame yourself.”

Emily smiled. “Had I known, you're right, I probably would have.”

AJ chuckled. “Jesus. I can't imagine what you must have been going through. I suspect there's probably a man-hunt out for me, isn't there?”

Emily bit her lip. “A little bit......I'm sorry.....we don't have to tell them you're here.”

AJ shook his head. “I'm not going to hide it.”

“I can let them know, if you like.”

“That'd be nice. Tell them I'll talk to them more about it soon. Right now I just....well I don't think I'm ready yet.”

Emily nodded. “Are you ok?”

“I have a lot of shit to deal with but I'm headed in the right direction.”

“What happened?” she asked, gently.

AJ looked down at the floor and took a deep breath. “Truthfully, I think my life has been going full steam for so long that when it stopped, I got a bit of mental whip-lash. I don't really know why it happened, I guess there was just so much changing and I didn't deal with it very well. I'm still trying to figure a lot of this out, I know it's not making a lot of sense right now. And then I wanted so much to be happy with you and the more I wasn't the madder I got at myself which only made it all worse. It was like a big cycle.”

Emily nodded in understanding. “Well, for a long time I was the queen of pretending I was fine so I completely get how that goes. And I seem to remember a certain somebody kicking my ass out of it.” she smiled.

AJ laughed. “Yeah. It's a lot easier when it's someone else's life, isn't it?”

“Oh, I don't know if I'd agree with that.”

AJ looked up at her. “Look, I know we have a lot to talk about, but right now I just want to be with you. Do you think....maybe we could hash this all over tomorrow?

“I think that would be ok. I wish I could stay the night with you.”

“Yeah, they're pretty strict about that, aren't they?”

Emily laughed. “Yeah, they told me all about the curfew and they told me how to get to the hotel from here.”

“It's almost like being a teenager sometimes. But it's really a great place.”

“It would seem. And you get a poolside view! I can't believe you are in rehab and you get to live in your own little condo!”

“Believe me, it's a lot nicer than those rooms that are like a hospital and you have roommates who are detoxing and you're both puking your guts out all night.....”

Emily shuddered. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. I like to think it's making me a better person.”

“Maybe so.” Emily agreed.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked.

“Sure. What are the choices?”

“I only have two DVD's. 27 Dresses or Bee Movie.”

Emily laughed. “Those are certainly interesting picks for you.”

“Well, there is a limited selection in the library and I wanted to get something you'd like and there wasn't much left.”

“How about Bee Movie?” she said.

AJ put the movie in while Emily lay down on the couch. AJ sat on the other end, pulling her feet onto his lap and massaging them as the movie started.

As good as it felt to be with him, it felt extremely awkward at the same time. To be with him in rehab was huge. She didn't really know what to expect. She felt like he was going through this huge ordeal in which she had no part. She felt shut out, missing that close connection that they'd shared for so long. There was still so much that needed to be said and she felt that was probably adding to the awkwardness. She tried her best to relax and watch the movie, realizing that it was probably equally awkward for AJ, who was used to being the strong one in their relationship. Being put in the position of the weak one for the moment was probably hard for him. He had always wanted to take care of her and she imagined it was hard for him to let her take care of him.

After the first half hour of the movie Emily realized how good she felt being with him. Guilt aside, she felt as if a huge weight had been lifted and she was so relieved to have him back. To know that he never stopped loving her, never wanted to leave her. Her nightmare was over; she'd finally woken up.

AJ continued to massage her feet and her calves. He could feel her starting to relax finally and he looked over at her. She was watching the movie but he was more interested in watching his wife. AJ's nightmare had also ended. He felt like for the first time in awhile he really saw his wife. He'd been so foolish to treat her the way he had. He knew he had no reason not to trust her around that doctor guy. Emily wasn't like that. She loved her new job and it had been stupid of him to try and take that away from her. He tried to imagine the hell she'd been through in the last few days thinking he'd left her. She looked like she'd missed a lot of sleep judging by the circles under her eyes. He certainly had a lot to apologize for. He knew she'd forgive him but he worried he might never forgive himself for his behavior.

Emily sighed as he placed his hand on her waist and gently rubbed her. He'd only been gone for five days but it had been even longer since she'd had any intimate contact with him. She'd missed his touch dearly, having nearly forgotten the way his hands could set her skin on fire.

He pushed her shirt up and leaned down to kiss the curve of her hip. The touch of his lips to her skin was incredible as she let out a barely audible moan. He sucked and nibbled on her skin as Emily wiggled underneath him, enjoying the sensation. She sighed in disappointment when he stopped. He repeated it a few more times during the movie and then he sat her up to give her a back massage which Emily enjoyed thoroughly as she realized how tense she was. As he rubbed her shoulders he leaned down and gently kissed the back of her neck sending shivers down her spine.

Emily turned her head around and found his lips with her own. It was a soft kiss, it didn't last very long but it said so much more to them than their own words could ever say. By the time the movie had ended, Emily was beginning to need more than just a few small kisses. She was feeling unsure about how he might feel about being that intimate so she decided it was best to follow his lead.

AJ could tell how much she wanted him by the way her eyes looked heavy with desire. He loved it when she looked at him with those eyes. He hadn't meant to be so intimate with her tonight, he wanted to wait until he'd said everything he needed to say to her but right now, in the moment, it felt incredibly right. And judging by the look on Emily's face, she'd probably kill him if he didn't show her how much he loved her. It occurred to him that just a day ago she was probably at home thinking she'd never be with him in this way again and that made it mean even more to him.

Emily turned to face him. He looked at her with those beautiful brown eyes of his before wrapping an arm around her and leaning her back down on the couch. He gently lay down on top of her and took a moment to gaze into her eyes before he kissed her deeply and passionately. Emily snaked her arms around him and held him tightly, almost afraid to let go of him for fear he would stop. His tongue pried her lips open and explored her mouth, dancing around her tongue, teasing and taunting.

They made out on the couch for nearly half an hour. Emily's lips were swollen and her breath was shallow when he sat up and moved down to the floor. He gestured for Emily to join him. Before she lie back on the floor he lifted her shirt over her head and helped recline her. He lay next to her and brought his lips crashing down on hers again. His hand had barely touched her stomach and her body jolted in pleasure. He stroked her soft skin as he kissed her. He reached around and unhooked her bra, helping shed it from her body. He returned to kissing her as his hands went down to her jeans. With one hand, he unbuttoned them and slid down the zipper. Emily broke the kiss long enough to lift her hips and shrug off her jeans while AJ quickly sat up and removed his t-shirt. His hands went back to stroking her stomach, slowly working his way down and sliding his hand underneath the elastic of her underwear. That was all he had to do to elicit a gasp from Emily as her hips arched up, aching for him to touch her. He let his finger glide over her warmth causing Emily to moan loudly. AJ was surprised how wet she was and suddenly all his plans to tease and pleasure went right out the window. He quickly removed his pants and had Emily out of her underwear in no time. She rolled on top of him and immediately sank onto him, moaning as she took him in. She began moving her hips and AJ knew there was no time to waste, Emily was already close to coming. He reached up and fondled her breasts, loving the way they bounced every time she moved her hips. He moaned as Emily bent down and sucked on his ear, her release very near. He pinched her nipples and thrust up into her and Emily lost it, coming loudly and riding him hard. Seeing her lose all control was the push AJ needed for his own release and Emily made sure to ride him hard through it all.

She was exhausted when she collapsed on top of him. He held her, gently kissing her neck. After a few minutes, she shifted over and lie next to him, her head resting on his chest. They didn't speak. There were no words to be said at the moment.

They lay together for awhile, holding each other until Emily looked at the clock.

“I have to go.” she said, quietly.

AJ kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Em. You know that, don't you?”

Emily nodded. “I love you to.”

AJ noticed there were a few tears in her eyes. “What's wrong?” he asked.

“I'm sorry, I just...I thought you were gone....” she said, once again wracked with guilt.

“It's ok. I'm not gone, I'm here. And everything will be ok.”

Emily nodded.

“We'll talk tomorrow, ok?” he said.

“Ok. When's a good time to come back?”

“How about one o'clock? We can eat lunch outside and then we'll talk.”

“Alright. Will you be ok tonight?” she asked.

“I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you!” he said.

Emily smiled. “I'll be fine.”

“You know, Kevin's house is only twenty minutes from here, I'm sure if they're home they'd let you crash there.”

“Really? Maybe I'll drop in on them or something.”

Once they were dressed AJ helped Emily and gave her a quick kiss.

“Thank you.” he said.

“For what?”

“For being here.”

“Of course.” she said.

As Emily left AJ behind, she once again was feeling like suddenly she didn't even recognize her own life. Things had happened so quickly. Last night, he was gone forever, or so she thought. She thought her marriage had ended, she'd gone to Randy. This morning, she finds it was all a huge mistake. AJ was in rehab, which was a shock to her in itself. Tonight, she was here with him, making love to him, being in his arms when just 24 hours ago she thought she never would be again.

She knew she would never be able to forgive herself for not waiting for him, for not having enough faith in his love for her. She hated herself for what she had done and there wasn't a single thing she could do to change it. Except pretend it never happened, which was ultimately what she needed to try to do.

She waited until she was a few minutes from Kevin's house before calling him. She thought it would be fun to surprise them.

“Hi Kevin, it's Emily.” she said.

“Emily! We've been trying to reach you all day! Are you alright?” he asked, his voice full of worry.

“I'm fine. I'm sorry, I had my phone off all day. Listen, what are you doing right now?”

“I'm making enchiladas, why?”

“Do you by chance have enough for an extra person?” Emily asked as she pulled into his driveway.

“I guess it depends on who the person is.” he said.

“Well, if you'd open your front door you'll find out!” she said.

“Emily, you're being very cryptic.” he said. As she was standing in front of his door she could hear him coming towards the front of his house.

“I know, just humor me.” she said.

Kevin opened the door and gave her a huge grin.

“You smart-ass!” he said. “What the hell are you doing on my door step?” He stepped outside and pulled her into a big hug.

“Well, that's kind of a long story. I hope you don't mind me dropping in on you like this.”

“Not at all! Hey Kristin! Come see who's here!” he called inside the house.

“Who is.....EMILY!” she screamed when she saw her. “What are you doing here? I have been calling you all day!”

“So I hear. Listen, if you two have a minute, I'd be happy to explain what it is I'm doing here.” she said, her face becoming more serious.

Kevin and Kristin had a pretty good idea that she was here because of AJ, they just didn't know how or why.

Kevin put the finishing touches on his enchiladas and quickly put them in the oven and the three sat down at the dining room table.

“Well?” he asked.

“He never left.” she said. Kevin and Kristin looked confused. “He called me this morning, acting like I should have known where he was this whole time. It turns out, what me meant by having to go was that he checked himself into rehab out here.”

The two looked shocked but allowed her to continue.

“After I confronted him, he knew what he had to do. He went before he changed his mind. He claims he just couldn't admit it to me at the time and that's why he snuck out the way he did.”

“But still...how were you supposed to know where he was all this time?”

“He said someone from the facility was supposed to contact me to let me know when he arrived but for some reason that never happened. He wasn't allowed to contact anyone for the first few days.”

Kevin took a deep breath. He knew it seemed backwards but he was actually relieved to hear that AJ was in rehab and that he hadn't left his wife after all.

“So...have you seen him?” he asked.

Emily nodded. “I just came from there.”

“Is he....ok?”

“He seems to be doing very well. He says he still has a lot he needs to work through but that he's starting to understand what happened. We didn't really talk about much today. He said he wanted to do it tomorrow.”

“Well I hope you gave him hell for putting you through all that!” Kristin said.

“Well I intended to, but when I got there and I saw him, I kind of...fell apart.”

“Understandable.” Kevin said.

“He wanted you guys to know, when I told him I thought he'd up and left he figured there must have been a man hung out for him. He said he didn't want to hide it but that he wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it yet. He said he would contact you when he's ready to. And I'm sure you'll both be nothing but supportive when he does, right?”

“Of course!” Kristin said.

Kevin didn't reply.

“Kevin?” Emily prodded.

“He could have handled all this better, Em.” he said.

“I know that, and so does he, believe me. He knows he screwed up. But what he needs most is support. If you want, you can kick his ass when he's on his own two feet again.”

Kevin nodded in agreement.

“Well obviously you're welcome to stay here tonight.” Kristin said.

“Only if it's not an inconvenience to you guys.” Emily said, silently hoping to stay. She could really use the company.

“Of course not! Besides, you look like you might fall over if you got up. After everything you've been through lately, I'm surprised you're still standing.” Kristin said as Kevin got up to get them some drinks.

“Honestly, I think I'm running on adrenaline. I feel...numb. It's weird. It's like I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe he's in rehab, I can't believe I thought he left me. It's like I was dreaming and then I woke up, only I still feel like it's all a dream.”

“Well it's a lot of surprises, that's for certain. Are you ok? I mean, I'm sure this must be a lot for you to take in.”

“I think I'm alright. I suppose I should be feeling happy that my marriage isn't over but right now I'm having trouble feeling anything.”

“Well you're about to feel famished once you take a bite of my special enchiladas!” Kevin said as he returned from the kitchen.

Emily had never been to Kevin's house before and so before dinner, Kristin showed her around and sent Kevin to get her bag from the rental car and put it in the guest suite. She found that Kevin's enchiladas were in fact amazing, much to her surprise. They shared in light-hearted conversation during dinner and then they sat out on the patio afterwards. Kristin ended up going to bed leaving Emily and Kevin.

“You know, I admire your strength.” he said.

“How do you mean?”

“Believe me, I've been there before. I know what trying to deal with AJ when he's like this can be like. I know the strength it takes to stand beside him, to be strong enough to stand up to him.”

“Well, from what I understand he was way more out of control the first time.” she said. “I can't imagine the toll that must have taken on you.”

“Oh, I bet you can now.” Kevin said.

Emily nodded her head. “I guess you're right.”

“I'm sorry you had to go through that.” he said.

“Do you think he'll do it again someday?” she asked.

Kevin sighed. “I hope to God he doesn't. And I think with you by his side his chances are a lot greater. I guess it just depends on whether or not he figures it out this time or not.”

Emily was quiet for a minute as she realized that this was something they'd potentially have to keep dealing with over the next many years.

“Well, I think I'm going to try and go to bed.” she said.

“Alright. Hey, do you want to go out to breakfast in the morning? We could take you down to Rodeo Drive!”

Emily smiled. “Think I'd see any half-assed celebrities there?” she teased. Ever since Kevin and Emily's huge fall-out, they often teased each other about it in recognition of how childish they'd behaved.

Kevin laughed. “Maybe if you're lucky. I hear it's mostly quarter-assed celebrities these days.”

Emily gave him a hug. “Thanks Kevin.”

“Anytime.” he said.

Chapter 21

Emily went to breakfast the next morning with Kevin and Kristin. They took her to a little cafe on Rodeo Drive. Emily was suddenly glad of her decision to live in Atlanta. She knew if she lived in LA she would be constantly surrounded by expensive fashion that made no sense to her, flawless tans, makeup that would need a sandblaster to take off and way too much health food. She was a down-home girl from the mid-west through and through.

After breakfast, Kevin left to go to a meeting and Kristin talked Emily into going to her favorite spa for a pedicure before she went to meet AJ.

“So how's life?” Emily asked her.

“Pretty good at the moment. I'd ask you the same question but I'm afraid to hear your answer.”

Emily laughed. “Well, I think things are starting to look better. At least I hope. So what's new with you?”

Kristin smiled. “Well....” she started.

“What is it? I can tell you've got something really good to share, don't you?”

Kristin nodded. “Kevin and I are trying to have a baby.”

Emily's face broke out into a huge smile. “Oh Kristin, that's great!”

“Thanks. I'm starting to get frustrated though, it's already been six months and still nothing!”

“Well, sometimes it just takes awhile.” Emily said. “There's this great book you should read, it's called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It has a lot of great info about learning your body's cycle and signs to know when the best time to conceive is. Once you learn it, it's actually very easy to tell when your body is fertile.”

Kristin eyed Emily. “Oh really? And you read this book why?”

Emily blushed. “Well, you know, before things went sour we were going to start trying.....”

Kristin grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “He'll be better soon, right? You won't have to wait too long.”

“I hope he gets better.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can't help thinking that this isn't the end of it, you know? He'll always be an alcoholic. I'm starting to freak out a little that in five years we'll go through this all over again only next time we'll have a family and it won't just be me who's affected by it.”

Kristin sighed. “I think you just need to talk to him about your worries. You won't do either of you any good if you keep those fears to yourself. I think he needs to hear them to help him stay reminded that it's not just him that he'll hurt.”

“Well we're supposed to have a nice long chat today. Which reminds me, I need to get in touch with Leighanne, she's probably going out of her mind at that cabin.”

Kristin laughed. “Seriously! Leighanne cut off from gossip for five whole days!”

AJ got a good night's rest for the first time since he'd been in LA. He needed to see for himself that Emily was alright, he needed her reassurance that she still loved him. Deep down inside he knew she'd always stand by him but there was this small, insecure part of him that worried she'd decide it was too much to deal with and leave. His counselor kept telling him he needed to stop feeling inadequate and not good enough for Emily because of his problems. He needed to stop thinking he had to be perfect for her. Seeing her there, seeing the love for him all over her face, had helped him immensely. She didn't need him to be perfect, she just needed him.

He felt like he had so much he needed to tell her but he wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't sure what to say to make it right after everything that had happened between them. He hoped that when he saw her again that day, the words would come.

Since discovering that no one knew he was in rehab until he called Emily the day before, he realized that there was one other woman in his life who would be worried sick about him if he didn't call her soon. He sat down outside with a cigarette and a big cup of coffee and called his mom.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hey Ma. It's me.”

“AJ?”

“Yeah.”

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?” she yelled.

Clearly Emily had not yet gotten in touch with her.

“Do you have any idea how worried we've been about you? What your wife has been going through? What were you thinking leaving like that? That woman is the best....”

“MA!” AJ interrupted.

“What?”

“Just listen to me for a second, ok?”

Denise was silent.

“I talked to Emily yesterday.”

“You did?”

“Yes. Listen, there's been a huge mix-up and I feel terrible for it. Thursday when I left, I left to go back to rehab. I didn't leave my wife.”

“WHAT?”

“I'm sorry, Mom.”

“Why didn't you tell someone?”

“I don't know, I guess I couldn't. They were supposed to call Emily when I checked in but no one ever got in touch with her and I wasn't allowed to contact anyone for awhile.”

Denise cursed.

“Emily's there with you?”

“Yes. She flew out as soon as she could yesterday.”

“Is she ok?”

AJ smiled. His mom loved Emily. He realized his mother had probably been at home the last few days plotting her revenge on her own son for hurting her favorite daughter-in-law.

“She seems ok. A bit thrown off kilter after everything. She's coming back here in about an hour.”

“Are you ok? Do you need anything?”

“No, I'm ok. I don't need anything.”

“What happened?” Denise asked.

His mother had always been incredibly understanding of him. Even though he could hear the disappointment in her voice, he knew that whatever he told her, she would understand. He tried as best as he could to explain it to her and she listened intently, asking questions when she needed to.

“I'm proud of you.” she said.

“Why?”

“Because you realized you were out of control and you took care of it yourself.”

“Well, I kind of wish I'd realized that a lot sooner.”

“Just be glad you were able to realize it. If it happens again, you'll recognize it sooner.”

“Thanks Mom.” he said.

“You're welcome. And listen, you make it up to Emily, ok? She loves you to death and she'll probably never tell you just how miserable she's been because she wants to protect you.”

“I'll try. I don't even know what to say to be perfectly honest.”

“You will. When you see her you'll know.” his mother said, confidently.

Emily felt her anxiety building as she made the twenty minute drive back to visit AJ. She felt like she had a lot she wanted to say to him but at the same time, she felt like a lot of it was now beside the point. He knew what he'd done, how badly he'd hurt her. He didn't need her to remind him.

He met her in the lobby, just past reception. He was feeling a bit nervous himself and couldn't stop fidgeting until he saw her walking towards him. She was smiling at him and for a moment he forgot about all his worries as he smiled back at her.

“Hey!” he greeted, giving her a hug and a quick kiss. “How are you?”

“I'm good. How are you?”

“Every day gets better. Especially with you here!” he answered. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes. Kevin and Kristin took me to this cafe on Rodeo Drive this morning and the food was absolutely wonderful but it was so small I could have eaten four plates!”

AJ laughed. “Good, I got us some lunch.” he said, gesturing to the bag on the ground. “I thought maybe we'd find a nice spot somewhere outside to eat.”

“That sounds nice. Lead the way!” Emily said.

AJ took her hand and together they walked out towards a large garden with tables hidden amongst the flowers and shrubs.

“It's beautiful!” she commented.

“I like to sit out here to read the paper in the mornings.”

“With coffee and a cigarette, no doubt.” Emily joked.

“Ah, you know me too well.” he laughed.

They sat down at a table near a small fountain that was well hidden from the path. AJ took the sandwiches, chips, fruit and sodas from his bag and spread them out.

“So what have you been up to today?” he asked.

“Well, after breakfast Kristin took me to get a pedicure,” she held up her foot so he could inspect her pretty, pink toenails. “And we had plenty of gossiping and girl talk and then I got changed and drove here. What have you been up to?”

“I've been getting up at seven since I've been here.” Emily looked surprised. “So I had some breakfast and read the paper then I went to a group meeting and after that I had a session with my counselor.”

“Did that go well?”

AJ nodded. “It did. Then before you got here I decided I'd better give my mom a call.”

Emily cringed. She imagined that couldn't have been easy for either one of them. “How'd it go?”

“It went well. Once I got her to stop yelling at me, I told her where I'd been and she was very supportive. She's worried sick about you.”

Emily smiled. “I'm glad you called her.”

“So I imagine you told Kevin and Kristin?” AJ asked, looking slightly anxious.

“I did. They were surprised but very understanding. Actually, I got the impression Kevin was relieved to know that you were only in rehab and that you hadn't left your wife after all.”

AJ chuckled. “So, he wasn't mad?”

“Not at all.” Emily reassured.

“Did you tell anyone else?”

Emily shook her head. “No, the only other people who knew you were missing were Brian and Leighanne and they went on a vacation to some rustic cabin in upstate New York and there's no cell service or land lines. I'm sure she'll be in touch as soon as she gets to a phone.”

AJ laughed. “Brian took Leighanne to an uncivilized cabin? What was he thinking?”

They made small talk during lunch and once he had all the trash picked up off the table, AJ tried to figure out what to say next.

“Emily, I've been trying to figure out what I can say to make this all up to you and so far, I haven't been able to find the words to express just how sorry I am for everything I put you through.” he said.

Emily reached across the table and grabbed his hand. “I know you're sorry.”

“Will you honestly ever be able to forgive me?” he asked.

Emily looked away as she thought about it. “I feel like I've already forgiven you for the most part but the part that worries me is that I know I'll never really be able to forget it.”

“Well, I don't think I'll be able to either.” he admitted. “Fuck, I can't even imagine what you must have felt like these past five days.”

Emily squeezed her eyes shut. “None of that matters now.” she tried to tell him.

“Emily stop being so damn nice to me!” he said. “Stop pretending like you're fine just because I'm in rehab. I'm not fine, you're not fine, we are not fine! I need for you to be able to be open with me. Otherwise, there's no point in even having this conversation.”

Emily was stunned at his outburst. He was right though. She wasn't fine. “Ok, fine. You want to know what it was like for me?”

AJ nodded.

“It was nothing short of pure hell. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I was trying so hard to be understanding and supportive of you when you were going through a rough time and all you could do was make snide comments about my job. You couldn't possibly have been less supportive of me. Then I found out you'd been lying to me about going to the AA meetings and that you'd been drinking all that time and I felt like you didn't give a damn about me or our marriage. All you cared about was yourself and your own misery. You didn't care how if affected me, you didn't even care what it did to yourself! And to have the nerve to blame me for it? Absolutely unthinkable! Then you left...or I thought you'd left. I was shocked. I didn't even know what to do or think so I pretended like everything was fine. I went to work and I tried to function through my last day as best as I could, all the while praying that when I got home you'd be there even though I knew you wouldn't be. I barely slept that night because I kept having nightmares about you. Saturday it finally began to sink in. You were gone and you weren't coming back. I couldn't stand to be home anymore. I couldn't stand to look at our bed and think that I'd never again get to make love to you, that I'd never wake up to hear you singing in the shower. I hurt so bad I could barely breathe. I wound up staying at Brian's for the weekend, barely able to even function. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if you were coming back or if you'd really left me for good. The longer you'd been gone the more I started to realize you weren't coming back. I went home on Monday, I cleaned the whole house and I moved my things into the guest room. I couldn't stand to be in our room and be reminded of all our memories. I slept damn near all day Tuesday because I just didn't even see the point in getting up. Then I got your e-mail and I felt pretty confident you had gone for good and you were damn happy about it too. I have never in my life felt so hollow and empty, so hurt and betrayed. I felt like you gave up on yourself and in doing so, you gave up on me and our life together. That is only the tip of how I've been feeling. I can't even describe it to you in a manner to really make you see what it was like for me.” she finished, wiping tears from her cheeks.

AJ had been looking down the entire time. When she finished, he looked up at her, tears in his own eyes. “I'm sorry....” was all he could find to say.

“I'm sorry too. You're right, I'm not fine. I've been through hell. You've put me through hell. I guess I thought I'd be helping you by trying to let it all go but I think you're right. I think you need to know exactly how you've hurt me.” she said in a gentle yet firm way.

Emily sat back in her chair and crossed her arms.

AJ took a few moments to compose himself. “You have every right to be angry with me.” he said, making eye contact with her as he spoke. “I can say I'm sorry 'til the cows come home and it wouldn't be enough. I know I need to show you I mean it, and I promise I will. I swear, I love you with all my being. I really am proud of you for the way you've grown since I met you. For being strong enough to chase your dreams and let go of all your fears. You are truly an amazing woman and whether or not I deserve it, having you by my side makes me a better man.”

Emily sighed. “You're a wonderful man with or without me, AJ. You need to remember that.”

“Are we going to make it through this?” he asked, his voice full of uncertainty.

Emily thought for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “If you can promise me one thing.”

“What's that?”

“I want your word that you will stay here as long as it takes for you to work this out because we can't keep coming back to this every five years. I want to live my life with you but I'm terrified that this isn't going to be the last time this happens to us. I don't think I'm strong enough for that.”

“I promise. I don't want that to happen either. This time is a lot different from last time. I can't really explain how yet, I just know it is.”

Emily nodded. “Well, it's a start.”