Chapter 22

Emily and AJ felt they had each reached their emotional limits for the day and decided to give the tough stuff a rest and go back to random conversations. While part of Emily thought it felt good to let him know all that he'd put her through, a part of her felt guilty for making him feel so terrible. She felt like he didn't need anything else to add to his problems but the more she thought about it, the more she knew he was right. She needed to be honest with him and not coddle him. If he was really going to beat this, he needed to know exactly what it did to the people he loved.

After eventually going back to his condo they watched tv together until dinner time. AJ took her to the cafeteria, which again reminded her of a fancy restaurant instead of the hospital food she had expected originally, and they ate dinner together and then took a walk. Emily stayed with him until the visiting hours were over and he walked her back to the reception lobby. They had decided that she would stay one more day and then go home. He needed to stay and do this on his own and Emily didn't want to interfere with his treatment, hard as it would be to leave him behind.

AJ met again with his counselor that night to talk about everything Emily had said to him. It had been tough to hear. Seeing the hurt in her eyes ripped him apart and his counselor helped remind him that remembering that look on her face would help keep him on the right path.

Kevin and Kristin had plans that night and had given Emily their house key, telling her they'd most likely be out late but of course to call if she needed anything. Emily was glad for the privacy and decided she just felt like lying down. She opened the window in the guest room and let in the gentle breeze that was blowing that night. As she turned on her cell phone she saw that she had a voice mail from Leighanne.

“Emily, it's Leighanne. I'm just letting you know we've left the cabin and we're back to civilization in Manhattan. Brian's been in meetings all day and Baylee and I have been hanging out together and we were thinking of you. Have you heard anything yet? Give me a call when you get this, ok? Bye.”

Emily sighed. She might as well get it over with. She called Leighanne back.

“Emily! How are you?” Leighanne answered.

“I'm ok.” she said.

“Have you heard anything?”

“Actually, yes. Quite a lot has happened since you've been gone.”

“Hang on....Brian, come here! It's Emily....Emily, can I put you on speaker phone?”

“Who's listening?” she asked.

“It's just Brian and me, I promise. We're in our hotel room, Baylee's asleep.”

“Ok. Well, Tuesday after I talked to you, I went to check my e-mail and I found a message from him. From what it said, I really thought he'd left me for good. Wednesday morning, I got a call from him. As it turns out, when he left, he left to check himself into a rehab clinic in LA. He said he couldn't face me to tell me before he left and that he'd asked the clinic to call me and let me know where he was but the message obviously never got relayed and he wasn't allowed to contact anyone for five days.”

“Oh my God...” Leighanne said. “You mean all that time he was in rehab?”

“That's right. I was dead wrong. He never left me, at least not in the way I thought he did.”

“Well you weren't the only one. His notes...I guess they make more sense knowing where he was but at the time, you couldn't have known.”

“Well anyway, I left right away to come see him. He's doing very well. Things have been....difficult but we got a chance to talk today, a chance to clear the air. I'll be here for one more day and then I have to go home. He's going to stay awhile. I don't know how long, however long it takes I guess.”

“That's good. He shouldn't rush it.” Leighanne said.

“Brian, are you alright over there? You haven't said anything.” Emily asked.

Brian cleared his throat. “Yeah, I'm alright.”

“Listen, he wanted you guys to know he's there, he just isn't ready to talk to anyone else about it yet. I made Kevin and Kristin promise they'd be supportive of him when he does call and I'm sure you two will do the same, right?”

“Of course.” They agreed.

“Emily, are you really ok?” Leighanne asked.

“Well, truthfully, I'm emotionally drained after today on top of everything else. But I'm glad I know where things stand for the most part now. Oh, and I absolutely hate LA!”

Brian laughed. “It's like a whole different country, isn't it?”

The next day Emily and AJ talked a bit more about things. She got to meet his counselor and the three of them talked a bit about AJ's treatment and he answered any of Emily's questions and told her she could always call him if she had any concerns.

It was hard for her to say goodbye to him that evening. She felt terrible just leaving him there even though she knew it was best. It was hard to accept that he had to do it on his own without her. It made her feel very cut off from him. They shared a tearful hug before she left.

“I love you.” she said.

“I love you too.”

“Take care of yourself, ok?”

“I promise. And you knock 'em dead at that free clinic!”

“Well typically we try to save lives....” she joked.

AJ smiled. “I'll talk to you Sunday?”

“Sunday.” she said.

They had agreed to only talk once a week for awhile at the advice of his counselor unless it was something urgent.

“I don't want to leave you.” she said, as she clung to him.

“I know.” he said, kissing the top of her head. “But it's for the best, right? Soon you'll be busy with your new job and then I'll be home before you know it!”

Emily nodded as she let go of him. She stood on her tip-toes and gave him a soft kiss.

“Love you.” she said.

“Love you too.”

She turned and walked out the visitors door fighting the urge to look back at him. She knew if she did, she might not be able to leave. She drove back to Kevin's and sat in the car for a few minutes trying to regain her composure. As she walked up the front walk, she ran into Kevin who was outside watering the plants.

“Emily, you ok?” he asked as he took in her puffy eyes.

Emily shook her head. “It's hard just to leave him there, you know? I have to go home without him.....”

Kevin dropped the hose and gave her a hug. “I know.”

Emily cried into Kevin's strong chest for a few minutes, finally giving in to all the emotions she'd been feeling since she got there.

She laughed when she pulled away. “Sorry for getting your shirt all wet!”

Kevin chuckled. “We'll just say it's from watering the plants.”

Emily flew back early Saturday morning and sighed as she walked into her house. She'd been thinking of AJ all day, wondering how he was, what he was doing. She had no idea what she was going to do for her second week off to keep her mind occupied.

She was in the middle of moving her things back to the master bedroom when her phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered without looking at the caller ID as her hands were full with all her clothes.

“Emily? It's Randy! I've been trying to reach you for a few days, your phone's been off....is everything alright?”

Emily froze. She honestly hadn't thought about Randy since her first day in LA.

“Uh, yeah, everything is fine, I just....I've been in LA.”

Randy was quiet for a moment. “Did you find him?” he asked, finally.

“Yes, I did. He was in rehab.” she sat down on her bed and closed her eyes.

“The whole time?”

“Yeah. Apparently they were supposed to call and didn't and....anyway, that's beside the point. The point is, I made a terrible mistake. A few of them, actually. He never left me.....”

“I see.” Randy said. “So, what, then everything is fine between you two now?”

Emily sighed. “No, not yet but it will be. Look, what happened between you and I....it shouldn't have happened.”

“No?”

“No! I thought he left me, but now things are different. Don't you see, he was never really gone.”

“So he goes to rehab and that's supposed to excuse everything he did?”

“No...not completely.”

“Emily, he treated you like crap!”

“I don't expect you to understand.” she said, defensively.

“Good, because I don't!”

“Look, maybe it's a good idea if we don't talk for awhile.” she said.

“Whatever you say. Just know this: the next time he hurts you, and there will be a next time, I'm not going to be there. I'm done, Emily.”

“Randy...I....I'm sorry...”

“Right.” Randy said, hanging up the phone.

He hadn't meant to lose his temper with her. He'd been worried sick about her after he couldn't get a hold of her. He hated to admit that he'd been secretly hoping they would split up so he could swoop in and take her for himself. It made him sick to think she was just going to forgive AJ just like that. She was right, he didn't understand. But he knew he couldn't play this game anymore. He had to get away from her before he got hurt again. She'd broken his heart twice now, that was enough.

Emily felt terrible after Randy hung up with her. She supposed she deserved what she got. She had never meant to hurt him but she had. It was probably for the best that they not talk again and she was incredibly thankful she wasn't working for him anymore. She was just about to get back to putting her things away when the doorbell rang.

“Who the hell could that be?” she wondered.

“I should have known it'd be you!” she said as she opened the door to find Leighanne standing there. “Did you just get back into town?”

Leighanne smiled sheepishly. “A few hours ago.”

“Well you might as well come in. You can help me move all my crap back into my bedroom.” As Emily led the way upstairs she explained how she'd moved her things before and that now she was putting them all back.

“So, you're really doing ok? Kristin said you had a bit of a hard time leaving.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I did. To be perfectly honest, I'm trying to keep my mind off of AJ for awhile so I don't go insane.”

“Ok, we don't have to talk about it.”

“Thanks. So tell me about your trip!”

Leighanne talked about their trip to New York while she helped Emily put all her things away. When they'd done that, they decided to re-organize Emily's closet and took everything back out of it to sort through it.

“Hey Emily, you got a text message!” Leighanne called to Emily, who was in the back of her closet organizing her pile of shoes.

“Who's it from?”

“Hang on...it's from Randy!”

Emily froze.

“He says he's sorry for yelling at you but agrees that you two shouldn't talk for awhile. Wow, what happened? Did you guys get into a fight at work or something?”

Emily came out of the closet.

“Uh, yeah, something like that. Hand me that bag of shoes.”

Leighanne saw the guilt written all over Emily's face.

“Not until you tell me what's going on!”

“Oh God...look, you have to swear not to tell anyone, not even Brian.” Emily said, sitting down on the floor next to Leighanne.

“I swear.” Leighanne said.

“Do you really swear or are you really going to run home and tell him?”

“Emily, I promise I'm not going to tell him. I have a feeling whatever it is he wouldn't understand anyway.”

“Ok. Here goes. You know how on Tuesday I told you I got that e-mail from AJ and I thought he was really gone for good?”

“Yeah...”

“Well, I had to get out of the house. I drove around for awhile not knowing what else to do. I decided I really needed to talk to someone and I called you and then I remembered you were out of town. I guess I wasn't really thinking when I called him. It was just, I'd already told him a little bit about what was going on because I'd been do distracted at work and he pulled me into his office to talk to me and I ended up telling him. So I called and asked if I could come over. He was really nice about it and he listened to me ramble for quite awhile and then he made me eat dinner and everything. You have to understand...I thought my marriage was over....I didn't know....I mean, I thought he'd left me....and I just needed....something to make me feel better.....I didn't know...” Emily trailed off as she tried to keep her tears at bay. The truth was, the more she thought about it the more guilty she felt.

“Oh Emily.” Leighanne said. “Did you sleep with him?”

Emily nodded. “I didn't know....and now I'm an adulteress....I should have had more faith in AJ....I just....”

“You didn't know.” Leighanne said, giving Emily a big hug.

“Please don't be mad at me.” she pleaded.

“Sweetie why would I be mad at you?”

“I cheated on my husband!” Emily wailed.

“I guess maybe technically you did. But look, at the time we all thought he really had left you. There was no way you could have known.” she tried to reason.

“That's what I keep trying to tell myself but that doesn't change the fact that I cheated, does it?”

“Emily, you're not an adulteress! You made a mistake but you didn't know at the time what was really going on. I don't think it counts as cheating if you thought your relationship was done for.”

“Well then why do I feel so damn guilty?”

“Because you know how it would hurt AJ if he found out. Are you going to tell him?”

“Do you think I should?”

Leighanne shook her head. “No, I don't think there's any way he'd ever be able to understand what you were going through.”

“That's kind of what I thought. I just hate having to keep a secret like that.”

“So why did Randy yell at you?”

“For telling him I was staying with AJ.” Emily sniffed.

“He still loves you, doesn't he?” Leighanne realized suddenly.

“I think he might. I was too stupid to realize it at the time. I never meant to hurt him. God...I can't believe how incredibly selfish and stupid I was.”

“You need to give yourself a break. Randy's a grown man, he knew what he was getting in to.”

“I just wish I could take it all back, you know?”

“I know.”

“What if AJ finds out? What if he finds out I didn't wait for him? That I didn't believe in him enough to know that he'd never just leave me like that?”

“Well if he finds out, you'll just have to try and make him understand. But I don't think he will as long as you don't tell him. I don't think Randy would tell him.”

“No,” Emily shook her head. “No, he wouldn't. And no one else knows.”

“Look, I know you feel terrible but try not to beat yourself up too badly, ok? You didn't know.”

Emily nodded. “Can I have the bag of shoes now?”

Leighanne laughed. “Yes. You don't have any other secrets, do you?”

“No I don't, thank God.”

Chapter 23

Emily spent the next week doing mindless tasks like re-organizing all of the closets (except AJ's, he had his own system to all of his clothes and didn't like them to be touched), the kitchen cabinets, and moving the furniture around. When there was nothing left to organize she decided to paint the dining room. They had originally painted it a sage green color and Emily decided she didn't like it anymore. She went to Home Depot and picked out a medium color tan feeling it was more neutral. She spent Thursday and Friday doing that and on Saturday she decided to give all the housework a rest. She kept her pajamas on and watched chick flicks all day long while eating chocolate for lunch and pizza for dinner.

She was worried sick about AJ. She felt like there was so much depending on his success in rehab. What would she do if it didn't stick this time? She fell asleep on the couch that night and woke up Sunday morning with the same restless feeling she'd had all week. She was so glad it was her last day before starting her new job. The only downside was that she was only working three days a week, each a twelve hour shift leaving her with 4 other days of the week to try and keep busy. She read the ads in the paper, went grocery shopping and then went to Target for fun.

When she got home, she put everything away and grabbed her phone and sat down outside to wait for AJ to call.

She answered on the first ring.

“Hi!” she said, doing her best to sound cheerful.

“Hey babe.” he said, in a very flat voice.

“Are you alright? You don't sound too good.

“Yeah, I'm ok. I just had kind of a long and intense counseling session today. How are you?”

“Truthfully, a lot better now that I've heard your voice. I've been going a bit crazy here with nothing to do.”

“But you start your new job tomorrow, you must be looking forward to that!”

“Yeah, but it's only three days a week! I'm afraid I'll have done so many home improvement projects by the time you get back you won't even recognize the place. I already moved all the furniture and painted the dining room.”

AJ laughed. “Well, I guess if it's keeping you busy I'll be ok with it.”

“So, did you talk to your counselor about how long he wants you to stay?” she asked, with some hesitation.

“I did. Actually we talked about that yesterday for a bit. I kind of wanted to talk to you about it, too.”

“Why?”

“Well, I guess there's some kind of survival retreat thing they're doing, it starts in two weeks. It lasts for a month but it's all about getting back to the basics, camping and hiking and shit. They do a lot of group sessions and spiritual character building exercises and things. It sounds really great for me and my counselor thought it would be good for me, to kind of help me get back to me, you know? But I wanted to talk to you about it first, because it would mean I'd be gone another six weeks....and I know that would be hard for you.”

Emily sighed. While she was filled with disappointment that he'd be gone another six weeks, she knew he needed to do it. “I'll be ok. I want you to stay there and go on that retreat. I meant it when I said I wanted you to do whatever it takes. If you think that would be something that would help you then I want you to go.”

“Are you sure?”

“I'm positive. Now tell me more about it. So you'll really be like, camping in the wilderness for a whole month?”

“Yeah! I guess they send someone out once a week to bring more food and supplies but it's nothing fancy, it's like, food out of a can and apples and granola and shit. And we'll do all kinds of things like rock climbing.”

“Wow! Sounds kind of scary to me! I wonder if they'll make you walk over hot coals or something!” she teased.

AJ laughed. “Maybe.”

AJ and Emily talked for about an hour before he had to go. He promised to call her the same time next Sunday and wished her good luck at work tomorrow. When Emily hung up the phone, she cried over the fact that he'd be gone so long. And after two weeks she wouldn't even have her Sunday phone conversation with him. She was glad he was doing what he needed but she couldn't help but feel a bit left behind while he did it.

She went to bed early that night. She had to be at the clinic at seven the next morning. When she got there, she was surprised at how crowded the waiting room was already. Because of the nature of the clinic, they didn't generally make appointments. It was a first come, first serve basis. She met with the nursing supervisor who showed her around quickly before putting her to work. Emily quickly figured out that this place was no Glenview Pediatrics. The equipment was all old and outdated and the doctors all seemed burnt out. Halfway through her day she began to understand why. In six hours, she worked with six homeless families, three kids with malnutrition and one case of child abuse. She wished there was some way she could more effectively help all the families and realized she was going to have to practice a lot of emotional distance from her job or she'd never make it past the first week.

She was exhausted and depressed when she went home that night. She took a hot shower and made some popcorn for dinner. After a day like that, she really wished she had someone to go home to and share what she'd seen but quickly reminded herself that while she was lonely, at least she got to come home to a nice, big house and wouldn't have to worry about how she was going to pay the bills, unlike all the families she saw that day.

Her shifts Wednesday and Friday were for the most part the same as Monday but at least she knew what to expect. She had decided to get back into scrapbooking to help pass the time. She had found a scrapbook store near her house and went and stocked up on all the supplies. Then she decided that she'd turn one of their extra guest rooms into her hobby room because really, who needs three guest rooms? So she went back to Home Depot on Thursday and picked out a girly paint color and went to Office Max and bought a large desk and several shelves and other storage devices. Saturday she painted the room and Sunday she got all her supplies organized and put away and was ready to get to work.

AJ called her right on time, this week sounding a lot more cheerful than last week.

“I've been thinking about you all week.” he said. “How is your job?”

“Honestly, it's a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.” Emily told him about all the poverty she had to deal with and the several families she worked with who's parents worked 4 jobs between the two of them and still didn't make enough money to pay the bills. She told him about the neglect and abuse cases she'd seen and about how she understood the burnt out doctors who got tired of not being able to help the kids more.

“Wow. I don't know how you're able to handle that.” he said. “The thought of all those kids homeless and everything....I guess if anything, it helps keep things in perspective, doesn't it?”

“It does.” she agreed. “Every night when I feel sad to come home to an empty house I remind myself how lucky I am to have a house.”

“Well what else have you been up to? Any more remodeling?”

Emily laughed. “Actually, I decided I needed a hobby. So I thought, hmm, I'll start scrapbooking again. So I found this great little store and I bought all this cool stuff and then I decided I'd turn one of our guest rooms into my own little hobby room so I moved the bed into the corner against the wall and I painted it a pretty color and I used the dresser for storing some of my things and I got a really big desk to work on and one of those comfy leather chairs to sit on....so anyway, after all that, I believe I will finally actually sit down and start scrapbooking.”

AJ chuckled. “Well I'm glad you found a hobby that's keeping you busy so far.”

They carried on their conversation for awhile. AJ promised to call next Sunday and told her they could have an extra long chat since it would be his last call before he left on his retreat. She felt better after talking to him. He seemed to be doing well and he had shared some of the things he'd been talking to his counselor about. She was glad he was confiding in her. It made her feel like she was at least a small part of his healing. She went back inside and sat down in her new room and went to work, deciding to start scrapping all the pictures from their trip to Hawaii when they got engaged.

The next week seemed to drag on for Emily. She hadn't been feeling the greatest and the clinic had been exceptionally busy. She was incredibly relieved to be going home Wednesday evening.

“I'm so glad to be going home.” she said to Christina, a fellow nurse whom she got along with pretty well, as she signed out. “I think I must have caught a bug, I've had this constant headache all week and I keep feeling queasy.”

Christina laughed. “That sounds exactly like the bug I caught two years ago. It lasted about nine months, and then my son was born.”

Emily laughed as she walked out of the staff room.

When she got in her car, Christina's words rang in her ears. “No, I couldn't be, could I?”

She got out her planner and looked at the calendar. Her period was five days late and she hadn't even noticed. Emily felt all the color go from her cheeks as she sat back. She had been with AJ right when she would have been ovulating. She'd been so upset at that time that it was the last thing on her mind. She never bothered going back on birth control since they weren't even having sex things had gotten so bad between them.

Then she remembered. She had been with Randy the night before she was with AJ and she was fairly certain he didn't use a condom.

Her hands were shaking as she drove home, stopping at the nearest drug store on the way and picking up three pregnancy tests.

She sat in the bathroom, afraid to take the test. She didn't know what in the world she would do if she were pregnant. How could she have been so stupid and irresponsible?

She finally took a deep breath and peed on the stick. She set the timer on her watch and closed her eyes until the three minutes was up. Slowly she opened them. There was a definite plus sign. Emily nearly fell over with shock. She knew a false positive was rare but her mind refused to believe it so she took the other two tests later that night, drinking as much water as she could to make herself have to pee quicker. They both came out positive, just like she knew they would.

She sat down on the bathroom floor.

“Fuck.” she said. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. FUCK!”

She buried her face in her hands and cried, unable to believe this was happening to her, now of all times. She kept asking herself over and over how could she have been so incredibly stupid and negligent. There were so many thoughts racing through her head that there was no way she could sort anything out at the moment. Eventually, she came to the conclusion that since she was already in the bathroom, she might as well just take a bath and try to calm herself down so she could attempt to think rationally. While the bath was nice, it didn't do anything to calm her down.

Before her life had nearly fallen apart at the seams, having a baby was all she could think about. Correction: having AJ's baby was all she could think about. She used to sit and daydream about having a baby with AJ's beautiful eyes. In her daydream, everything was perfect between her and AJ. In her daydream, AJ was the father, without question. There was one thing she knew for sure. Even though this wasn't the situation she'd hoped for, it was still a baby. After losing Payton she really realized what a special and amazing gift a baby was. Not having it was completely out of the question.

What the biggest question was and would be was who the father was? As much as she wanted it to be AJ there was probably a fifty percent chance it wasn't his. She had slept with them both only 24 hours apart. There would be no way to tell for sure who's it was without doing a paternity test. But then AJ would find about about her and Randy. It occurred to her that maybe she just didn't even have to say anything about it at all. She could have this baby and play it off as AJ's and hope that it never became an issue. But then she thought of Randy. She thought of how much he loved kids and how much he wanted to settle down and have a family of his own. If the baby was his, there was no way she could deny him the chance to be a father knowing how much it would mean to him. She was at a loss for what to do. AJ would never forgive her. Randy deserved to know he had a child. Of course if it was AJ's child then none of it mattered, did it?

After a few hours of going over and over it all in her head, Emily was exhausted. She climbed into bed and prayed for the strength tomorrow to try and figure this out.

Chapter 24

Emily woke up the next morning still as confused as she was when she went to bed. Rest had brought her no clarity at all. She realized all the rest in the world would not clarify a situation in which there was no immediate answer. She wouldn't be able to know for quite awhile who the father was and she had to try and figure out how to proceed until then.

She waited until his lunch break and she called his cell phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi....it's Emily.” she said, awkwardly.

“I thought we weren't going to talk anymore?” Randy said in a bitter tone.

“I know...look, I really need to talk to you....in person.”

“I don't think that's a good idea. I meant it when I said I was done.”

Emily sighed. “I wouldn't ask if it weren't important.”

Randy was silent for a minute. “Ok. Meet me at my office at six.”

“Thanks.”

Emily realized this was going to be even more difficult than she imagined.

She tried hard to stay busy but she couldn't concentrate on anything so she wound up taking the dogs to the park for a long walk and then watching tv until she needed to take a shower and get ready to meet with Randy. She was terrified to tell him. She didn't even know what she was going to say and she had no idea how he would react. She was afraid he'd be mad and she wasn't sure she'd be able to handle that at the moment.

She pulled in the parking lot and was relieved to see that his car was the only one that remained. She found the back door unlocked as she walked in and knocked on his office door.

“Come in.” he said, at least sounding more pleasant than he had on the phone.

Emily took a deep breath and walked in, closing the door behind her. Randy was working at his desk and he set his papers aside and sat up in his chair as Emily awkwardly walked in and sat down across from him.

“What's up?” he asked. He could tell she was nervous about something.

“I'm pregnant.” she blurted out. She hadn't meant to say it so quickly but it just kind of slipped out.

Randy froze. “You're what?”

“Pregnant.”

He scratched his head. “Are you sure?”

Emily nodded.

“Are you here because you're telling me it's mine?”

Emily was quiet. She didn't quite know how to explain it to him.

“Emily?”

Emily looked up at him. “I don't know.” she said, finally.

“What do you mean you don't know?”

“Well, I was with you and the next day he called and I went to LA and....that night....”

“Oh Jesus.” Randy said, sitting back in his chair.

Emily wiped a few tears from her cheek.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“Because I...well I know we won't be able to find out who the father is for awhile, and I guess I thought I should tell you...because if it is your baby, I couldn't keep that from you. You deserve the chance to be its father.”

Randy was rather shocked. He'd been so mad at Emily lately that in his head he'd written her off as a selfish bitch to help himself get over her. The knowledge that she was willing to destroy her marriage so that he could be a father to his child hit him like a ton of bricks.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I don't know.”

“What are you going to tell him?”

“I don't know that yet either. He's still in LA but on Monday he's leaving for this four week long retreat. After I talk to him Sunday I won't be able to talk to him until he gets back. Even if I were ready to tell him on Sunday, I don't think I want to tell him anything over the phone. He'd be too tempted to come right home and I want him to stay and finish what he started.”

“Are you going to tell him it might not be his?”

Emily stared out the window. “I was thinking maybe I could wait until I have the test done? If I tell him about you and I and it turns out to be his baby anyway, I'll have ruined everything for nothing.”

“But you can't let him go all that time thinking he's having a baby and then just lay it on him that it's not his if that's what ends up happening either. That would crush anyone!”

Emily sighed. “See that's why I don't know what to tell him.”

“I think you have to tell him the truth and hope he understands.” Randy said, gently.

Emily nodded and stood up. “Look, I'm....sorry to drop this on you. I'm sorry I wasn't more responsible and I feel terrible for putting you through this. I know it's not easy for you to not know whether or not you're having a baby.”

Randy got up and embraced her in a tight hug. “You don't have anything to apologize for. I was equally as irresponsible and there's nothing you can do about it now. It means a lot to me that you told me instead of keeping it from me.”

“I'm scared.” Emily admitted as a few more tears spilled down her cheeks.

“I know.” he said, kissing the top of her head. “We'll figure this out, ok?”

Emily nodded. “I should let you get back to work.” she said, pulling away from him.

Randy laughed. “I don't think I'll be getting any work done tonight. I might as well go home.”

Emily smiled. “I suppose you're right.”

“Look, try and take care of yourself, ok? I'm sure you know stressing too much isn't good for that little tiny baby inside of you.”

Emily's hand instinctively went to her stomach. “I know. I just wish I knew how to tell him.”

“You've got five weeks to figure it out.” he said with a smile. “You don't have to have all the answers today.”

“Maybe not.” she agreed. “I guess I'll talk to you later then?”

Randy nodded. “And just so you know, that ban on us not talking....that's over. I want you to call me if you need anything.”

“Alright, thanks.”

Randy sat down in his chair after Emily left and blew out a long breath. A baby. That might be his. He hadn't worn a condom. It would be easy to blame Emily for that, they'd never used condoms when they dated. She was on the pill. A part of him just assumed she still was but he also knew that the thought never even entered his head at the time, either.

There was also a growing part of him that was excited, despite the circumstances. He might be having a baby! Emily would make a great mother. He'd always known that and he suspected that was one of the biggest things that drew him to her. He wasn't that thrilled about AJ potentially being involved in his child's upbringing but he didn't think there'd be anything he could do about that. As much as he'd love his baby, he would never take it away from Emily just because of AJ, not unless there was a real risk involved, which he knew Emily would never allow around her child anyway. They'd have to work together. Of course, there was also the possibility that AJ wouldn't stick around and raise some other guy's kid. He felt terrible for thinking it, but if it was his baby, he kind of hoped AJ wouldn't be in the picture.

He knew he was getting ahead of himself. There was still a huge chance it wasn't even his baby. He shouldn't go getting all excited about it until he knew for sure. He'd have to leave it up to Emily as to when they'd find out. They could probably have an amnio done to find out, but that carried risks and she might not be willing to take them.

He packed up his briefcase and left for the night, completely unable to think about anything but the baby that might be his.

Emily really wanted to tell Leighanne about the baby. She already knew she'd slept with Randy but she really felt that she should tell AJ before she told anyone else in their group of friends. The father, well in her case potential fathers, should know first. She was exhausted when she went home so she flopped down on the sofa and dozed off in front of the tv.

She found her shift on Friday to be a welcome distraction from everything that was going on. She stopped at a pharmacy on her way home and picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins and took them with her dinner. She was feeling better about things, realizing that at this point there was absolutely nothing she could do and she found that to be slightly comforting. AJ loved her and while she knew this would be a hard blow for him to take, she had to believe that he loved her enough to understand and forgive her.

She did a quick calculation in her head. Her last period had been July 5 which made her due date April 12. A spring baby. That'd be nice. She wouldn't be stuck inside with a newborn, they'd be able to go out and do things. She was already 5 weeks pregnant but she had a feeling she had a long 35 weeks to go. While it could have been all the stress that was making her so tired she had a feeling being pregnant was adding to that quite a bit. She slept on the couch again, feeling too tired to crawl up to bed. She realized she was glad they had splurged a bit and bought such a nice, comfy couch as it seemed to be coming in handy lately.

She was still sleeping at nine the next morning when her doorbell rang and woke her up. She squinted at the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows as she sat up and stretched before she stood up. She looked through the peep hole and was surprised to see Randy standing there, wearing sunglasses and carrying a bag of what looked like breakfast.

“Hi!” she said as she opened the door.

“Oh...you were sleeping....I'm sorry!” he said.

“No, it's ok! I needed to get up anyway. What's up?”

He took off his sunglasses. “Look I was a bit caught off guard the other night when you told me about the baby and I realized maybe I was a little insensitive about it all. I wanted to apologize for that and I figured maybe we needed to talk about this some more.”

Emily smiled. She realized he probably had a zillion questions about the whole situation, as did she. She figured she owed it to him to at least try and figure some things out. “I wasn't expecting you to be sensitive. It was quite a shock.”

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Yeah...it's kind of messy though. I've been too damn tired to do anything all week.”

“It's not like you're growing a human being or anything....” he said.

Emily chuckled. “Well when you put it that way....hey how'd you know where my house is, anyway?”

“I got your address from your file at work. Great place!” he commented. “I looked at a small house near here that I really liked but I decided I wanted to be closer to work.”

“I love it.” she said. “I've been so bored lately I've been doing a lot of reorganizing and painting.” she laughed as she led him into the living room.

Randy caught a glimpse of her wedding portrait hanging on the wall. She looked absolutely beautiful and as much as he hated to admit it, he could tell AJ really loved her by the way he was looking at his new wife.

“I didn't know you got married on the beach!” he said.

“In Hawaii. New Year's Eve, actually.”

“You know, I've never been to Hawaii!” he said.

“Well you'll just have to go there sometime. Have a seat!” she said, gesturing to the sofa as she folded up the afghan that was on it.

“I brought some bagels.” he said, setting the bag down on the coffee table.

“Thanks!” she said, opening up the bag and grabbing a cinnamon raisin one. She spread the cream cheese on it and took a big bite of it and froze.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

Emily's hand flew up over her mouth as she ran into the bathroom and threw up.

Randy chuckled to himself as he got up to check on her. She always did have a weak stomach.

Emily pushed the door shut as she heard him coming. The wave of nausea passed as quickly as it came and she stood up and rinsed her mouth out and splashed some water on her face. She walked back in and sat down. Just the site of her bagel made her feel sick again and she quickly put it in the bag.

“I was going to ask you if you've been feeling ok, I guess I already have my answer.” he said.

Emily sat back. “This if the first time I've felt sick.” she said. “I was starting to think I was going to be lucky enough to avoid morning sickness.”

“Was it the cream cheese?” he asked.

Emily shook her head. “Don't say those words.”

Randy laughed. “Sorry. I'll take them out to the kitchen.”

“So, otherwise you're feeling ok?” he asked when he came back.

“Yeah, pretty much. I mean I'm tired and I get a lot of headaches but it's not so bad.”

“Did you have morning sickness when you were pregnant with your son?”

“A little. If I kept my stomach full it wasn't so bad. If I got hungry, then I'd start to feel sick.”

“Have you been to a doctor yet?” he asked.

Emily shook her head. “I called yesterday, they said they don't see you until you're around ten weeks along.”

“I think that's pretty standard.” he said. “I hope I'm not too out of line, but I did some research on your options as far as paternity testing.”

“Not at all. I haven't really gotten around to that yet, I had to work twelve hours yesterday and I was so tired when I got home that I just didn't feel like dealing with any of that stuff.”

For a moment Randy considered suggesting she work shorter shifts and take it easy, feeling protective of her and the baby. Then he realized that she would tell him that she was pregnant, not handicapped or sick and that she was more than capable of taking care of herself. And she'd be right. So he kept his mouth shut.

“Well, you basically have three options. There's the obvious, wait until the baby is born and compare blood types first. If that isn't conclusive you can use saliva to test the DNA. You can have an amnio which isn't done until later in pregnancy and it does carry risks as I'm sure you know. And the third option is what's called a CVS. Are you familiar with that?”

“A little. They collect a small amount of the amniotic fluid through a catheter in the cervix, right?”

“Exactly. And that can be done when you're around 10 weeks pregnant.”

“So I could have it done in five more weeks?” she asked.

“Probably.”

“And that's less risky than an amnio because it's less invasive?”

“It would seem so but you'd want to ask your doctor about the risks involved.”

Emily sighed. “I think that sounds like the best option all around. In five more weeks, this could all be over. I'll either be really happy or really in deep shit.”

Randy frowned. “Look, if it is mine, I know you won't be thrilled about it but wouldn't you at least be happy to be having a baby?”

Emily realized her comment had been incredibly insensitive. She hadn't meant to imply that she wouldn't be happy to have his baby.

“Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it sounded, it's just...things will be a lot more complicated for everyone involved.”

It was then that it dawned on Emily that Randy was actually hoping it was his baby. “Look, I know you probably have a lot of things you want to ask me but let me start by saying that I won't love this baby any less if it is yours. I'm just....afraid of what the consequences will be if that's the case.”

Randy nodded. “That's understandable. Look, I know I'm getting way ahead of myself it's just, I guess there are things I kind of need to know to help me process all of this.”

“Randy you're not going to ask me anything I haven't already thought of.” she assured him.

“Alright. So, if it is mine, and AJ sticks around, what exactly will his role be?”

“I guess the three of us will all have to work together. He'll basically be the step-father so...I guess it'd be like having two dads.”

“But he'd obviously get to have the bigger part of fatherhood because he's married to you and he'll be living with you both.” Randy pointed out.

“I know, look I don't have all that worked out yet but we'll make it work. I wouldn't want to keep you away, I'd want you to get as much time with your child as you can. We'll just have to work with it.”

“What if he starts drinking again? I don't want my child around that.”

Emily nodded. “I've been thinking about that before I even knew I was pregnant. I've already told him that I won't go through this again. Ultimately, my kids will have to come first and you're right, they shouldn't be around him if he does that stuff again.”

“What about money?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if I'm going to be a father I want to be a father. I want to provide for my child in all senses.”

“But we don't really need...”

“I know you don't need the money. But I would want to.”

Emily nodded. “Well, obviously you'll have to set your own house up I guess and you can...I don't know, buy every other pack of diapers?” she shrugged. “Are you going to be ok if this isn't your baby?”

“Are you going to be ok if it is?”

“Yes. I'll have to be. Now answer the question!”

Randy sighed. “I know I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things, it's just...I've always wanted to be a dad.....and even the possibility that it's happening, well, I know this isn't the reaction you're looking for right now but I'm thrilled at the possibility. But, if it's not mine, yes, I think I'll be ok. I realize it's a very complicated situation and it's not the ideal way I wanted to start my family.”

Emily was quiet for a few minutes. It wasn't the ideal way she wanted to start her family either.

“I have a question.” she said, finally.

“What?”

“How the hell would we handle Margie if it's yours?” she said, with a smile.

Randy immediately started laughing. Margie was the ultimate gossip queen and they both knew that she and the rest of his gossiping staff would absolutely have a field day over this. The ever well-behaved Dr. Brown having an affair with his ex-girlfriend student nurse who happened to be married and getting her pregnant! It would be the ultimate. It would be Margie's equivalent to an art collector stumbling across a DaVinci.

Emily and Randy chatted for a bit longer until he noticed Emily kept yawning and so he left and told her to go take a nap, she was yawning so much she was starting to make him feel sleepy.

Emily was worried that Randy would take it hard if it wasn't his baby. She was also way more worried about how AJ would take it if it wasn't AJ's baby. She grabbed the can of saltine crackers and laid back down on the couch, flipping on the tv and that was pretty much how she spent her Saturday.